THE COUCH SLOUCH
The Slouch looks at the rest of the NBA season (plus another Astros-related Q&A)
Feb 17, 2020, 7:09 am
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As is our annual tradition at the NBA all-star break, Couch Slouch looks ahead to the remainder of the season – laced with remarkable perspicacity* – at no additional cost to you, the reader.
Yes, I will provide the acumen of subscription-based The Athletic and the access of pricey NBA League Pass…ALL FOR FREE.
Let's do it!
It used to be, "NBA Action, It's FANtastic." Now it's, "NBA Action, Bombs Away!" For much of NBA history, a basket was worth two points. In 1979, they decided that some baskets – from longer distances – would be three points. Then more recently, some analytic smart alecks figured out that three-point baskets were worth one more point than two-point baskets, so let's just make three-point baskets.
The game has changed.
The Milwaukee Bucks' 7-foot center, Brook Lopez, has taken more three-point shots this season (242) than two-point shots (234). The Dallas Mavericks' Kristaps Porzingis, at 7-foot-3, is the tallest man on the floor, yet he has taken almost as many three-pointers (277) as two-pointers (362).
We have evolved from those Pistons'-Bad-Boys, Pat-Riley-with-the-Knicks 88-85 slugfests of the late 1980s and early '90s to the current-day 128-126 playground skirmishes. The games have gone from rugby matches to the Ice Capades.
The fast-break layup has morphed into the fast-break 23-footer.
There is feasibly a middle ground between 88-85 and 128-126; I don't know what that exact number would be, but I always vote for the middle ground.
Three cheers for Ben Simmons, the three-ball contrarian. The multi-skilled Philadelphia 76ers' point guard will not do what everyone wants him to do – take three-point shots. You know how some kids have a mental block about math? Simmons has a mental block about three-pointers.
In his first two NBA seasons, Simmons did not make a three-pointer, attempting only 17 of them. This season he is two-for-six from beyond the arc.
You be you, Ben, two points at a time.
I stand with Simmons: Years ago, newspaper editors insisted I write longer articles with bigger words. No way, I told them – I write short and I use one-syllable words. And I'm still here.
(* "Perspicacity" is a rare exception.)
If it were up to Gregg Popovich, no one would ever take a 25-foot shot. One of the NBA's greatest coaches ever and one of the most severe critics of three-ball, Popovich is in danger of having two remarkable streaks end: In 22 full seasons of helming the San Antonio Spurs, he has never had a losing record and never missed the postseason.
"I've hated the three for 20 years," Popovich said in 2018. At the moment the Spurs are 28th out of 30 NBA teams in three-point shots made and 29th in three-pointers attempted.
The Spurs are 23-31 – five games out of a playoff spot – and their best chance might be to petition the league for transfer into the Eastern Conference.
As usual, the Eastern Conference should be quarantined. The 19-38 Detroit Pistons have a better chance of making the East playoffs than the 33-22 Oklahoma Thunder and 33-22 Dallas Mavericks have of earning home-court advantage in the West playoffs.
Then again, the Pistons also have a better chance of making the playoffs than Ben Simmons does of ever making another three-point shot.
The Golden State Warriors have gone from penthouse to outhouse, three points at a time. Many folks – I am not among them – are delighted that the Warriors, after five straight NBA Finals appearances with consecutive seasons of 67-15, 73-9, 67-15, 58-24 and 57-25, currently have an NBA-worst 12-43 record.
Enjoy it while you can.
Next season, aside from a core of young talent and the likely No. 1 overall pick in the draft, the Warriors will also have all-star Draymond Green, plus the return of the NBA's greatest three-point-shooting back court ever, Stephen Curry and Klay Thompson.
Zion Williamson is the real deal. But he's only taking one three-pointer per game. DO THE MATH, son: 3 > 2.
Ask The Slouch - Special Houston Astros Edition (again)
Q. Is it true that Astros owner Jim Crane has hired Rudy Giuliani to visit Ukraine in search of proof that Hunter Biden was the mastermind behind the sign-stealing fiasco? (Rick LaDuca; Ashburn, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. If the Astros ever hire Bill Belichick and Tom Brady as manager and starting pitcher, respectively, will Rob Manfred preemptively suspend them as repeat cheaters? (Tom Walker; Colonie, N.Y.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. When MLB adds trash cans to its merchandise list, will they only be available with the Astros logo or will they include all teams with former Astros players/coaches? (David Roberts; Fairfax, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. How much trouble is Carlos Beltran's grandmother in for not providing proper guidance? (Ron Anderson; Lynnwood, Wash.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
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The Astros and the Yankees in the Bronx this weekend. Fun! And important. Both teams have been in results ruts for a while. The Astros have gone 9-16 over their last 25 games while the Yankees’ funk is longer extending, producing a 19-29 mess over their last 48 games. Despite the Seattle Mariners closing in, the Astros still lead the American League West. The Yankees’ hopes of again winning the AL East are fading toward the point of no return. They have tumbled six and a half games behind the Toronto Blue Jays and also lag three games behind the rampaging Boston Red Sox. Hence, the Yankees are under clearly more pressure than are the Astros this weekend. The pitching matchups in the first two games strongly favor the Astros. Friday night it’s Hunter Brown opposite rookie Cam Schlittler who makes his fifth big league appearance. Saturday afternoon it’s Framber Valdez versus Luis Gil, who was the 2024 American League Rookie of the Year, but missed the first four months of this season with a lat injury. Gil made his 2025 debut Sunday, and was terrible. The Astros’ quality rotation depth beyond Brown and Valdez is non-existent at this point. Their Sunday starter will be a lesser starter than the Yankees’ Max Fried. Of course, in one game you never know.
The Astros have thoroughly owned the Yankees in their most meaningful meetings over the last decade. In 2015 the ousted the Yankees in a one-game Wild Card matchup. Then came the real soul-crushers with the Astros vanquishing the Yanks in the 2017, 2019, and 2022 American League Championship Series, with it getting easier for the Astros as time went on. The 2017 series went the maximum seven games, 2019 took six, 2022 was a four-game Astros’ sweep. The regular season has been a different matter. The Yankees have beaten the Astros in 11 of 14 games over the last two years. Last season the Yankees walloped the Astros six wins to one. They only play six times this regular season: the three in New York this weekend then three at Daikin Park in early September.
Here comes the Judge
While the Astros (and their fans) endure a seemingly never-ending wait for Yordan Alvarez’s return to the lineup, the Yankees have Aaron Judge back after a 10-day stint on the injured list. Judge carries the burden of soft career postseason stats (though he has 16 home runs in just 58 postseason games and his career playoffs OPS is just 21 points lower than Alex Bregman’s), but this is a legendary player. Judge’s career OPS stands at a whopping 1.024. That number will drop during the decline years remaining in his career, but here’s the list of all time Major Leaguers higher than 1.024: Babe Ruth, Ted Williams, Lou Gehrig, Barry Bonds, and Jimmie Foxx. Those are arguably the four greatest offensive players in MLB history, plus Foxx who probably rates in the top 20. If he holds up the rest of the season, Judge is a cinch for his third AL Most Valuable Player Award in four years.
Turn back the clock
Should they choose to check it out, the Astros can watch the Yankees’ Old-Timers' Game Saturday. Though most of the greatest of Yankee legends have died, there will still be a fabulous cast of alumni who soak up cheers during introductions, with many of them then taking part in a two or three inning game. The Yankees are by far the most storied franchise in MLB. The Astros have plenty of history and beloved players over multiple generations to copy the concept, and have their own Old-Timers' Day at Daikin Park. Would it not be a blast to see Roger Clemens pitch to Craig Biggio? Roy Oswalt to Lance Berkman? As I said during our Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast this week, I wouldn’t bet against 78 (as of Friday)-year-old Jose Cruz squaring up a ball for a line drive. Make Astros’ Old Timers’ Day happen in 2026 Jim Crane!
Angry birds
The best team in the American League is Toronto, best for now anyway. The Blue Jays have been the best over the last two months-plus. The Jays woke up May 29 at 27-28. Since then they are 41-20. Over that time frame the Astros have the third-best record in the AL behind the Jays and Red Sox. A notable part of Toronto’s success the past month is Joey Loperfido. He didn’t make the Jays’ big league squad coming out of spring training, and wasn’t called up until July 6. Over 72 at bats since getting back to “The Show” Loperfido is batting .389 with a .978 OPS. Reminder that Loperfido hit .372 over his first 43 at bats with the Astros. Full credit to Joey for a magnificent month. Still, there is no reason for the Astros to be wracked with regret for having included Loperfido in last season’s trade for Yusei Kikuchi.
For Astro-centric conversation, join Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and me for the Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast which drops each Monday afternoon, with an additional episode now on Thursday. Click here to catch!
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