The Couch Slouch

The Slouch takes a blow-by-blow look at the Super Bowl

The Slouch takes a blow-by-blow look at the Super Bowl
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Chiefs

Super Bowl 54, in contrast to the Senate impeachment inquiry, felt like a fair trial: unmistakable video evidence, plenty of witnesses, a definitive and satisfying conclusion.

It wasn't as high-scoring as that last 51-49 Senate vote, but the Kansas City Chiefs' 31-20 victory over the San Francisco 49ers was certainly more exciting and less predictable. And assuming no foreign intervention, who wouldn't back a Patrick Mahomes-Andy Reid ticket in November?

As usual, I took in all of Super Bowl Sunday and took copious notes:

2:03 p.m. ET: I prefer pregame studio shows that are inside of studios.

2:08: Jimmy Johnson: "In Miami, [you get] whatever you want." I just want to get out of town.

2:12: Chris Myers reports that Mahomes will be on the first Chiefs bus to leave the hotel. He's QB1 – what, he was gonna take Uber?

2:35: We see Mahomes getting on "Team Bus 3." That ain't Team Bus 1, Chris.

2:52: They say calling it the AFL-NFL World Championship Game was clunky. As opposed to, say, Super Bowl LXXXVIII coming up in 2054?

3:02: The only thing worse than seeing Gronk in a bowtie on Super Bowl Sunday is seeing Gronk playing on Super Bowl Sunday. So I guess I'll take it.

3:05: The only thing worse than seeing A-Rod in a PED football jersey on Super Bowl Sunday is seeing A-Rod in a PED suit outside of J.Lo's trailer on Super Bowl Sunday.

3:08: Curt Menefee: "Who doesn't love Big Papi?" Uh, Curt, over here…over here!!!

3:36: President Trump is interviewed by Sean Hannity, eerily reminiscent of Mister Ed chatting with Wilbur Post.

4:15: Family issues – Daisy wants to watch Puppy Bowl while Toni says I'm in the doghouse.

5:38: Fox is a very profitable network. It should throw some of those profits next time into ensuring a glitch-free production.

6:28: Flyovers seem so 20th century.

6:32: Since when did the coin toss become Woodstock?

6:41: They are talking officiating just before kickoff – this is never a good sign.

6:57: Touchbacks turn me on.

7:10: Down 3-0, Chiefs go for 4th-and-1 from 49ers' 5-yard line. I would've kicked a field goal; I always take the points, particularly if they're keeping score.

7:27: Ahead 7-3, Chiefs go for 4th-and-1 from 49ers' 19. I would've kicked a field goal; I always take the points, particularly after two divorces.

7:38: There's a fullback from Harvard in the game? And he scored a touchdown? This sounds like one of those elite media hoaxes.

7:46: Troy Aikman: "[Jeff Wilson Jr.] puts his foot in the ground." Where else would you put your foot?

7:47: Martin Scorsese for Coke Energy? Aw, geez. What's next, Sir Thomas More for Snickers?

8:00: There is offensive pass interference, and then there's he-barely-touched-the-defender-and-I've-seen-much-worse-not-called offensive pass interference.

8:07: I feel absolutely no guilt drinking an Orange Crush during the Pepsi halftime show.

8:19: I also feel absolutely no guilt texting Gloria Estefan during J.Lo's booty jig.

8:43: Bud Light Seltzer? I don't think so.

9:01: Jimmy Garoppolo, like Tom Brady, is just too pretty to hit.

9:25: Chiefs still running the ball, down by 10 in the fourth quarter. Are they playing five quarters this year?

9:32: When Chiefs offense gets in gear, they look like the Rockettes on ice.

9:44: The tomahawk chop seems so 17th century.

9:46: Chiefs were down 24-0, 17-7 and 20-10 in this postseason; they made more comebacks than Richard Nixon.

9:47: No replay controversies? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.

10:11: Frankly, this seems like a better way to decide a winner than the Iowa caucuses.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Is the SEC's Wild, Wild West football coaching lineup shaping up like the cast of some old-fashioned Western featuring Nick Saban as the no-funny-stuff Sheriff, Sam Pittman as the dutiful Deputy, Gus Malzahn as the bi-spectacled Doc, Ed Orgeron as the keg-chested Barkeep, Jumbo Fisher as the friendly Mercantile Owner, Lane Kiffin as the shady Card Shark and Mike Leach as the pontificating barbershop Philosopher? (Steve Owings; Spokane, Wash.)

A. Sounds like a remake of "The Wild Bunch."

Q. Your dog Daisy and my pooch Plexi both have 25-word vocabularies. If they collaborated, could they write this column during your next vacation? (Jack Drury; Lavale, Md.)

A. While they both have the vocabulary to handle my job, they are uniquely unqualified in one key area: Without any thumbs, neither canine can operate the clicker. No TV, no column.

Q. Do you see any reason why NBA arenas are still encouraging fans to chant, "DEFENSE DEFENSE?" (Paul Ferko; Parma, Ohio)

A. They get thirsty and order more beer.

Q. How long before MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred proposes the Senate's questioning protocol as a way to eliminate sign-stealing? The catcher passes a card to the batboy, who runs it out to the pitcher. (Rick LaDuca; Ashburn, Va.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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Joe Esapda is hoping Framber Valdez can secure a series win for Houston. Composite Getty Image.

The Houston Astros (37-30) aim to close out their series against the Chicago White Sox (23-45) on a high note Thursday night at Daikin Park. The three-game set is currently tied 1-1, and with a chance to secure their 11th series win at home, the Astros will send left-hander Framber Valdez to the mound. First pitch is scheduled for 8:10 p.m. ET.

Valdez (6-4, 3.07 ERA) has quietly been one of the most consistent arms in the American League. Known for his heavy sinker and ground-ball inducing style, he enters the night with a stellar 1.06 WHIP and 84 strikeouts. With the Astros bullpen having absorbed some heavy usage earlier this week, Valdez will be counted on to give Houston quality length.

Opposing him will be right-hander Davis Martin (2-6, 3.62 ERA), who has pitched better than his win-loss record suggests. Martin has maintained a 1.21 WHIP and will try to quiet an Astros lineup that broke out for 10 runs in Wednesday’s win.

Houston’s offense has been led lately by Jeremy Peña, who is batting .439 over his last 10 games with five doubles, two homers, and six RBIs. Isaac Paredes continues to be a steady power threat, leading the team with 14 home runs and a .468 slugging percentage. José Altuve, fresh off his 2,300th career hit, adds veteran stability to the top of the order.

The Astros are 23-13 at home this season and have gone 6-4 over their last 10 games. When they avoid giving up home runs, they win — as shown by their 20-4 record in games where they keep the ball in the yard. That will be a key Thursday against a White Sox team that’s light on power but capable of grinding out runs when they out-hit opponents (16-9 when doing so).

Chicago, meanwhile, has struggled mightily on the road, going just 7-27 away from Guaranteed Rate Field. Still, they’ve had unexpected success against the Astros this season, winning three of the first five matchups. Andrew Benintendi and Mike Tauchman have been among the few bright spots in a lineup that’s hit just .227 over its last 10 games and been outscored by six runs.

With the series on the line and the division-leading Astros looking to stay hot, Thursday night offers a chance to assert their edge with a trusted ace on the hill and momentum building in the lineup.

Here's a preview of the Astros lineup for the finale!

Christian Walker remains in the five spot after his big night in Game 2. Victor Caratini will be the DH hitting seventh behind Jake Meyers. Jose Altuve is shifting back to left field, with Jacob Melton getting the night off. And Brendan Rodgers will hit last and play second base.


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*ChatGPT assisted.

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