The Couch Slouch
The Slouch takes a blow-by-blow look at the Super Bowl
Feb 2, 2020, 9:59 pm
The Couch Slouch
Chiefs
Super Bowl 54, in contrast to the Senate impeachment inquiry, felt like a fair trial: unmistakable video evidence, plenty of witnesses, a definitive and satisfying conclusion.
It wasn't as high-scoring as that last 51-49 Senate vote, but the Kansas City Chiefs' 31-20 victory over the San Francisco 49ers was certainly more exciting and less predictable. And assuming no foreign intervention, who wouldn't back a Patrick Mahomes-Andy Reid ticket in November?
As usual, I took in all of Super Bowl Sunday and took copious notes:
2:03 p.m. ET: I prefer pregame studio shows that are inside of studios.
2:08: Jimmy Johnson: "In Miami, [you get] whatever you want." I just want to get out of town.
2:12: Chris Myers reports that Mahomes will be on the first Chiefs bus to leave the hotel. He's QB1 – what, he was gonna take Uber?
2:35: We see Mahomes getting on "Team Bus 3." That ain't Team Bus 1, Chris.
2:52: They say calling it the AFL-NFL World Championship Game was clunky. As opposed to, say, Super Bowl LXXXVIII coming up in 2054?
3:02: The only thing worse than seeing Gronk in a bowtie on Super Bowl Sunday is seeing Gronk playing on Super Bowl Sunday. So I guess I'll take it.
3:05: The only thing worse than seeing A-Rod in a PED football jersey on Super Bowl Sunday is seeing A-Rod in a PED suit outside of J.Lo's trailer on Super Bowl Sunday.
3:08: Curt Menefee: "Who doesn't love Big Papi?" Uh, Curt, over here…over here!!!
3:36: President Trump is interviewed by Sean Hannity, eerily reminiscent of Mister Ed chatting with Wilbur Post.
4:15: Family issues – Daisy wants to watch Puppy Bowl while Toni says I'm in the doghouse.
5:38: Fox is a very profitable network. It should throw some of those profits next time into ensuring a glitch-free production.
6:28: Flyovers seem so 20th century.
6:32: Since when did the coin toss become Woodstock?
6:41: They are talking officiating just before kickoff – this is never a good sign.
6:57: Touchbacks turn me on.
7:10: Down 3-0, Chiefs go for 4th-and-1 from 49ers' 5-yard line. I would've kicked a field goal; I always take the points, particularly if they're keeping score.
7:27: Ahead 7-3, Chiefs go for 4th-and-1 from 49ers' 19. I would've kicked a field goal; I always take the points, particularly after two divorces.
7:38: There's a fullback from Harvard in the game? And he scored a touchdown? This sounds like one of those elite media hoaxes.
7:46: Troy Aikman: "[Jeff Wilson Jr.] puts his foot in the ground." Where else would you put your foot?
7:47: Martin Scorsese for Coke Energy? Aw, geez. What's next, Sir Thomas More for Snickers?
8:00: There is offensive pass interference, and then there's he-barely-touched-the-defender-and-I've-seen-much-worse-not-called offensive pass interference.
8:07: I feel absolutely no guilt drinking an Orange Crush during the Pepsi halftime show.
8:19: I also feel absolutely no guilt texting Gloria Estefan during J.Lo's booty jig.
8:43: Bud Light Seltzer? I don't think so.
9:01: Jimmy Garoppolo, like Tom Brady, is just too pretty to hit.
9:25: Chiefs still running the ball, down by 10 in the fourth quarter. Are they playing five quarters this year?
9:32: When Chiefs offense gets in gear, they look like the Rockettes on ice.
9:44: The tomahawk chop seems so 17th century.
9:46: Chiefs were down 24-0, 17-7 and 20-10 in this postseason; they made more comebacks than Richard Nixon.
9:47: No replay controversies? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.
10:11: Frankly, this seems like a better way to decide a winner than the Iowa caucuses.
Q. Is the SEC's Wild, Wild West football coaching lineup shaping up like the cast of some old-fashioned Western featuring Nick Saban as the no-funny-stuff Sheriff, Sam Pittman as the dutiful Deputy, Gus Malzahn as the bi-spectacled Doc, Ed Orgeron as the keg-chested Barkeep, Jumbo Fisher as the friendly Mercantile Owner, Lane Kiffin as the shady Card Shark and Mike Leach as the pontificating barbershop Philosopher? (Steve Owings; Spokane, Wash.)
A. Sounds like a remake of "The Wild Bunch."
Q. Your dog Daisy and my pooch Plexi both have 25-word vocabularies. If they collaborated, could they write this column during your next vacation? (Jack Drury; Lavale, Md.)
A. While they both have the vocabulary to handle my job, they are uniquely unqualified in one key area: Without any thumbs, neither canine can operate the clicker. No TV, no column.
Q. Do you see any reason why NBA arenas are still encouraging fans to chant, "DEFENSE DEFENSE?" (Paul Ferko; Parma, Ohio)
A. They get thirsty and order more beer.
Q. How long before MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred proposes the Senate's questioning protocol as a way to eliminate sign-stealing? The catcher passes a card to the batboy, who runs it out to the pitcher. (Rick LaDuca; Ashburn, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
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Cal Raleigh approached the All-Star Home Run Derby like a day on the lawn. Dad was on the mound and baby brother was behind the plate.
Only this time, there were tens of thousands looking on at Truist Park and a $1 million prize.
“It goes all the way back to him coming home and me forcing him to throw me a ball and hit it in the backyard or in the house or something probably shouldn’t be doing,” a beaming Cal said, flanked by Todd and Todd Jr. after defeating Tampa Bay’s Junior Caminero 18-15 in the final round Monday night.
Todd Raleigh, former coach of Tennessee and Western Carolina, threw the pitches and Cal’s 15-year-old brother, Todd Raleigh Jr., did the catching. A first-time All-Star at age 28, Cal became the first switch-hitter and first catcher to win the title. He’s the second Mariners player to take the title after three-time winner Ken Griffey Jr., who was on the field, snapping photos.
“Anybody that’s ever played baseball as a kid dreams of stuff like this,” Cal’s dad said. “I dreamed of it. He dreamed of it. When you’re a parent, you look at it differently because you want your kids to be happy.”
Leading the major leagues with 38 home runs at the All-Star break, Cal almost didn’t make it past the first round. The Mariners’ breakout slugger nicknamed Big Dumper and the Athletics’ Brent Rooker each hit 17 homers, and Raleigh advanced on a tiebreaker for longest long ball: 470.61 feet to 470.53 — or 0.96 inches. At first, Cal wasn’t aware whether there would be a swing-off.
“An inch off, and I’m not even in the final four, which is amazing,” Cal said. “So I guess I got lucky there. One extra biscuit.”
Raleigh totaled 54 homers. He won his semifinal 19-13 over Pittsburgh’s Oneil Cruz, whose 513-foot first-round drive over the right-center field seats was the longest of the night.
Cal Raleigh's #HRDerby by the numbers:
Total HR: 54
HR of 425+: 31
Top distance: 471 ft
Avg distance: 430 ft
Total distance: 23,212 ft
Top exit velo: 112 MPH
Avg exit velo: 102 MPH pic.twitter.com/0pV6nGWLsA
— MLB (@MLB) July 15, 2025
Cal’s brother, nicknamed T, kept yelling encouragement to the brother he so admires.
“His swag, the way he plays, the way he hustles,” T said.
Hitting second in the final round, the 22-year-old Caminero closed within three dingers — MLB counted one that a fan outfielder caught with an over-the-wall grab. Using a multicolored bat and down to his last out, Caminero took three pitches and hit a liner to left.
“I didn’t think I was going to hit as many home runs or make it to the finals,” Caminero said through a translator.
Cal was just the second Derby switch-hitter after Baltimore’s Adley Rutschman in 2023. His dad was a righty and wanted both his sons to hit from both sides.
“Did it from the first day, when he was in diapers, literally,” Todd Sr. said. “I would take that big ball and he had a big red bat. I’d throw it slow and he’d hit it. Then I’d say stay there, pick him up, turn him around, switch his hands and do it again. I was a catcher. I played a little bit, and I just knew what a premium it was. I didn’t want either one of my boys to ever say, am I right-handed or left-handed?”
There was a downside.
“I don’t recommend it if you have two kids, they’re both switch hitters, if you want to save your arm, because that’s a lot of throwing,” said dad, who had rotator cuff surgery.
Raleigh hit his first eight homers left-handed, took a timeout, then hit seven right-handed. Going back to lefty, he hit two more in the bonus round and stayed lefty for the rest of the night.
“Was grooving a little bit more lefty so we were like, since we have a chance to win, we might as well stick to the side that’s working a little better,” Cal said.
Caminero beat Minnesota’s Byron Buxton 8-7 in the other semifinal. Atlanta’s Matt Olson, Washington’s James Wood, the New York Yankees’ Jazz Chisholm Jr. and Rooker were eliminated in the first round of the annual power show.
Cruz’s long drive was the hardest-hit at 118 mph.
Wood hit 16 homers, including one that landed on the roof of the Chop House behind the right-field wall. Olson, disappointing his hometown fans, did not go deep on his first nine swings and finished with 15, Chisholm hit just three homers, the fewest since the timer format started in 2015.fter it was all over, the Raleighs headed out. Stephanie, the boys’ mom and Todd Sr.'s wife, is surrounded by baseball.
After it was all over, the Raleighs headed out. Stephanie, the boys’ mom and Todd Sr.'s wife, is surrounded by baseball.
“We kind of leave it in the cage. We’ve got a cage at home, a building,” Todd Sr. said. “Or we leave it in the car on the rides home. There’s probably been a few times where she says, yeah, that’s enough.”