The Couch Slouch
There is only one way to stop the cheating Patriots
Dec 23, 2019, 6:54 am
The Couch Slouch
A popular sentiment these days – and one that most of Sports Nation wants to embrace – is that the New England Patriots finally will be kaput in the postseason and cannot possibly win Super Bowl 54.
What America are these people living in?
Tom Brady could start the game strapped to a gurney, and they could win.
Julian Edelman could play the first half barefoot and the second half in flip-flops, and they could win.
Bill Belichick, at this very moment, is sitting at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Mansfield, Mass., reviewing the latest Patriots surveillance tape of the Kansas City Chiefs' training table.
Still, most of us are hoping that, much like President Trump's three-year win streak ending with impeachment, the Patriots' 18-year NFL dynasty will cease with an implosion.
The Patriots' demise has been prematurely predicted countless times before. Heck, I bought a Patriots piñata at TJ Maxx in 2015 that I have yet to take a baseball bat to.
Is it finally time?
They are old – their quarterback is 42, their coach is 67 and their owner is 78. Then again, the quarterback might be the greatest of all-time, the coach might be the greatest of all-time and the owner is still savvy enough to seemingly dodge prostitution solicitation charges in Florida in which he was allegedly caught on videotape.
Speaking of videotape – before we deep-dive into the team's supposed free fall – let's briefly address the Patriots' latest cinematic venture, "Bengals in Autumn," which should screen at next year's Cannes Film Festival.
(NFL Films should hire Belichick. He gets footage no one else has access to.)
So a video crew working for the Patriots filmed the Cincinnati Bengals' sideline during a recent game. At this point, I don't care if it was an "accident;" if a Wells Fargo branch is robbed and John Dillinger is standing in front of the bank, would you give him the benefit of the doubt?
This occurrence echoes the team's 2007 Spygate scandal, in which the Patriots videotaped New York Jets defensive coaching signals, prompting NFL fines for Belichick and the team, plus the loss of a first-round draft pick.
But my barber George – yes, I got another haircut last week and he told me I do not have to come in again until April 2021 – has a better idea this time, disciplinary-wise. A fine? Pfft. Draft picks? Pfft. Oh, no. George says…
BAN THEM FROM THE POSTSEASON FOR ONE YEAR.
Like this year. And why not?
Because if we don't, as Roger Goodell is my witless witness, these swindling, cheating, scamming, preening Patriots are going to win another Super Bowl.
Sure, they've had lousy offensive-line play, they've had no running attack and no deep threat and they've been unable to replace Gronk. They had no offensive player selected to the initial Pro Bowl roster for the first time since 2003. And the mighty Brady has been reduced to shuffling around the pocket, throwing six-yard checkdown passes.
Uh, you realize the Patriots are 12-3 and we're talking about them struggling.
How good have the Patriots been?
The Patriots will finish at least 12-4 this year for the 13th time in 17 seasons. In that span, the NFL's other 31 teams have finished at least 12-4 a total of 66 times; seven teams have zero 12-4 seasons since 2003. The Patriots make 12-4 look as easy as the Cleveland Browns make 4-12 look simple.
Woe are the Patriots? I think not.
The Patriots are like POTUS – write 'em off at your own risk. They have endless tricks in their shoplifted bag; for crying out loud, Edelman apparently faked a head injury against the Buffalo Bills Saturday.
Between Brady, Belichick and borderline officiating – I believe the last time the Patriots lost a replay challenge was at the Boston Tea Party, late 1773 – I cannot bury these knaves.
What I can do is beg beg beg Lamar Jackson or Patrick Mahomes or Jimmy Garoppolo or Aaron Rodgers to put the kibosh on this unspeakable national nightmare.
Q. Since President Trump has been going to more sporting events lately, do you think he will take in the Georgetown-vs.-Deep State basketball game next month in D.C.? (Gary Duncan; Washington, D.C.)
A. If I were the Hoyas, I wouldn't play Deep State – those games have got to be fixed.
Q. Do we have you to thank for increasing the exposure of our fair city of Spokane when listing it as the residence of another successful contributor to "Ask the Slouch," or is it just because of Gonzaga basketball? (Steve Owings; Spokane, Wash.)
A. I don't even know where Spokane is.
Q. If R*dsk*ns owner Daniel Snyder were impeached for malpractice, who do you think he would call as character witnesses? (John Myers; Harrisonburg, Va.)
A. Even if he were impeached, I suspect he would be acquitted in a Senate trial.
Q. Have Duke basketball fans seen more flops than Amarillo Slim? (Mike Soper; Washington, D.C.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!The Houston Texans enter the 2025 season with momentum, expectations, and no shortage of spotlight games. A 9.5-win total in Vegas reflects growing national respect—but also pressure to deliver.
Hot start, big stage
Houston opens with a tough but marquee road test in Los Angeles against the Rams before returning to NRG for a Monday Night Football showdown against the Buccaneers.
Division duels define the path
As always, the AFC South is crucial. Houston faces five division games from Week 3 to Week 13, including a big Jaguars rematch in Week 10. If Trevor Lawrence takes the leap, and his top targets Brian Thomas Jr. and Travis Hunter live up to the hype, Jacksonville could be Houston’s biggest in-division threat. Still, with win totals sitting at 7.5 for both the Colts and Jaguars (and 5.5 for the Titans), the Texans have a clear path to control the South.
Midseason grind, late-season edge
The Week 6 bye comes at a smart spot, especially with brutal road games on the horizon: at Seahawks (MNF), home for the 49ers, and a revenge date in Baltimore—all within Weeks 5–8. The stretch from Week 12 to Week 14 (Bills, at Colts, at Chiefs) could define the Texans’ playoff seeding—or whether they make it at all.
But there’s hope in the home stretch. Three of their last four games are at NRG, where Houston has played its best football. If the team’s still in the hunt, hosting the Cardinals, Raiders, and potentially playing for the division title in Week 18 vs. the Colts is a favorable setup.
Key questions ahead
Bottom Line:
The Texans’ 2025 schedule is packed with statement opportunities and divisional tests. There’s enough home cooking in December to fuel a playoff push—but Houston will have to prove it can handle the road, the spotlight, and the rising competition in its own backyard.
Offseason observations
The Texans made some calculated and intriguing moves this offseason, especially on offense. They added dynamic weapons in WRs Christian Kirk, Jaylin Noel and Jayden Higgins, along with RB Woody Marks, who profiles as the best receiving back in the draft—likely influenced by the Patriots’ historical use of third-down specialists like James White and Shane Vereen. OC Nick Caley, OL Coach Cole Popovich, and GM Nick Caserio all have a history with the Pats.
Protecting C.J. Stroud remains a clear priority too, as the Texans added OT Aireontae Ursery in the draft and created a true open competition on the offensive line through free agency, featuring a deep group.
One of the most notable moves recently was Higgins’ fully guaranteed four-year, $11.7 million deal—a rarity for non-first-rounders. That level of commitment from Caserio signals strong conviction in both Higgins’ talent and character. It also hints that Houston may have considered him with their original 25th overall pick before trading back. With Patriots alumni like Caley and Popovich now on staff, and Caserio pulling the strings, it’s clear the Texans are building a system that blends New England and Rams discipline with Houston’s new-wave of offensive firepower.
We have so much more to discuss. Don't miss the video below as we examine the topics above and much, much more!
*ChatGPT assisted.
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