The Couch Slouch
Where the Astros cheating controversy ranks among history's scandals
Jan 20, 2020, 6:55 am
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So the Houston Astros, using cameras and video monitors and a labyrinthine baseball-bat-and-trash-can notification system, were stealing signs from opposing teams. From all indications, this is cheating and this is not kosher.
Let me just clarify that:
You are allowed to steal signs, you just can't do it electronically. In other words, it is really not wrong until you utilize the best means of technology.
Got it. I accept this, because, well, I don't feel like arguing this.
(I guess I'm glad the medical profession doesn't use this same standard. Uh, we could treat your headaches with Ibuprofen and heating pads, but let's stick with the ancient method of an elixir containing human blood and drilling a hole in the skull to relieve pressure.)
The Astros deserved MLB's punishment, but, as a student of history, Couch Slouch would like to point out that there have been multiple instances of similar swindling, defrauding, scamming, flimflamming, hoodwinking, fleecing, shafting, video-sign-stealing chicanery in modern and pre-modern times.
For your edification, here are some prominent examples:
Socrates and Plato: In an attempt to outsmart his perpetually smug teacher at the third annual Greek National Spelling Bee held at the Grand Hyatt Athens in 401 B.C., Plato sparked controversy by employing shadow puppets on the brightly lit north wall of the banquet hall to help him spell out different entries. The winning word: "aëricumbens."
Marie Antoinette: The somewhat unpopular queen of France hired a sketch artist to secretly document agitators cutting into bread lines. Once the drawings were discovered, along with a recording of her saying, "Qu'ils mangent de la brioche!" she was guillotined on Oct. 16, 1793 outside of a Le Pain Quotidien just before the lunch rush.
Burr-Hamilton duel: On the morning of July 11, 1804, Vice President Aaron Burr and former Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton met at a dueling ground in Weehawken, N.J., near Bed Bath & Beyond. They agreed to stand back-to-back, then each would take 10 paces before firing. But Burr had one of his seconds hold a large vanity mirror in front of him, so he could see precisely where Hamilton was at the conclusion of the 10 steps. Burr then fired a fatal shot into Hamilton's lower abdomen.
Battle of the Little Bighorn: As George Armstrong Custer led U.S. troops toward Little Bighorn Valley on June 25, 1876, Lakota chief Crazy Horse utilized two sublime tactics to outmaneuver the lieutenant colonel: A primitive GPS device, tracking the government soldiers' movement via Pringles left on the incoming trail, combined with smoke signals sent back to the camp. This allowed Native American forces to ambush Custer and his infantry.
"Rear Window": In direct violation of HOA regulations, photographer J.J. "Jeff" Jefferies – confined to his condo because of a broken leg – routinely used binoculars to eavesdrop on his Greenwich Village neighbors in 1954. This led him to witnessing a marital spat, followed by his suspicions that the husband killed his wife and buried something incriminating in the garden. The neighbor was arrested but eventually acquitted of murder charges while Jefferies got convicted under the city's recently enacted peeping Tom laws.
Macy's vs. Gimbels: During the famed department-store rivalry in the 1960s and '70s, Gimbels – using a Polaroid camera with a telephoto lens – took snapshots of Macy's shoppers' credit cards as they paid at the register to steal customers. Did Gimbels tell Macy's? No. But Macy's found out through an anonymous whistleblower; Gimbels lost face and went out of business in 1986.
New York City garbage strike: Boy, the streets sure stank of garbage when the sanitation workers walked out in 1968. Teamsters leaders sped up talks the old-fashioned way – they woke up city negotiators each morning with one trash can thrown through a living room window, with two trash cans on off-days and three on weekends. When all else failed, they took a baseball bat to Mayor John Lindsay's office and asked him if he wanted to step outside.
New England Patriots: Uh, duh.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Agent Drew Rosenhaus terminated his relationship with Antonio Brown until the free-agent wide receiver seeks help. Exactly what type of help? (Ron Kirkpatrick; Chicago)
A. Frankly, I thought Brown might end his relationship with Rosenhaus until ITAL he END ITAL got help.
Q. Are the regular LSU boosters annoyed they were not invited to personally hand out cash to the players in the Superdome after the championship win? (Mike Soper; Washington, D.C.)
A. Nah, that was scheduled for the Red Lobster in Baton Rouge the following afternoon.
Q. Given their history, would it count toward diversity if the Cleveland Browns hired their first competent coach? (Rich Tucker; Falls Church, Va.)
A. We may never find out.
Q. Would MLB have considered managing the Mets punishment enough for Carlos Beltran's role in the Astros cheating scandal? (Stuart Gavurin; Vienna, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
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Counting up "should win" and "should lose" results is routinely a fool's errand. That said, the Astros enter a stretch which features a bunch of "should win" games. On one hand, beginning this weekend at Daikin Park, the Astros run a gauntlet of 10 games in 10 days, then after an off day, they play another 13 days in a row. On the other hand, over the first 17 games of the 23 in 24 days, the Astros play 14 of them against losing teams: seven vs. the American League East cellar-dwelling Baltimore Orioles, three vs. the utter joke Colorado Rockies, and four vs. the not awful but below .500 Los Angeles Angels. Additionally, the Astros get 10 of those 14 games at home.
The only good team they face until after Labor Day is Detroit, with three games at the Tigers next week. That series looms large. If the Astros are successful in fending off Seattle and yet again winning the American League West, they have a real shot of finishing even with or ahead of Toronto and Detroit. Finishing with the best record in the AL is the ideal, but having the second -best record among the division winners means a bye past the high peril best-of-three first round series. The Astros' 2024 postseason was over in an eyeblink because they had the third-best record of the AL division champs, and then had the Tigers dismiss them in two games.
If the Astros can take two of three in Motown next week, they not only gain ground on the Tigers, but clinch the season series (Astros beat the Tigers two of three in Houston back in April) and with it the tiebreaker should that come into play for playoff seeding. The Astros swept the Blue Jays three straight earlier this year, so winning just one of three games in Canada next month would secure that tiebreaker.
Growing pains
Big picture, it's been a fine rookie season for Cam Smith. Nothing special, but plenty acceptable for a guy with just 32 games of minor league experience before earning/being handed the primary right field job coming out of spring training. Smith's tools and athleticism are clear, so are a couple of holes in his game that need patching if he is to develop into a star. The standards are different for a rookie making the minimum MLB salary of 760-thousand dollars versus a big ticket free agent signing making 20 million dollars, but a higher percentage of Smith's official at bats have ended with strikeouts this season than have Christian Walker's.
Along with improving his rate of contact, Smith needs to tweak his swing path to hit the ball in the air more. With his strength Cam can hit it hard. But hard grounders aren't the objective. Cam has a pair of two-home run games this season. In late June he homered in back-to-back games. In the other 100 games Smith has played, he has just one other homer. One in 100 games. His last dinger was June 28. 138 at bats later he's still sitting on seven for the season. Mauricio Dubon and Taylor Trammell have higher slugging percentages, as did Zack Short in his limited time with the team.
Smith has been feeble since just before the All-Star break, posting a paltry 13 hits in his last 90 at bats for a .144 batting average. He figures to play less down the stretch, a lot less should Yordan Alvarez actually return to the lineup. If ever back, Alvarez figures to slot only as the designated hitter, reducing Jose Altuve's DH opportunities. When Altuve plays left field, Jesus Sanchez is the clear better option to play right against righthanded pitching.
Jose Altuve at his best
Credit to manager Joe Espada for realizing that Altuve at 35 years old needed his load lightened. Should have happened last year, but live and learn. Altuve has been the DH 35 times this season (just five times last year). It is highly likely not a coincidence that after a hot start last year, Altuve was mediocre the last three-quarters of 2024 with a .740 OPS over his final 119 games. This season Altuve started atrociously. He was a straight up lousy player into late-May, waking May 22 with his batting average .238 and his OPS a woeful .629 over 47 games played. In 70 games since: .316/.947. In his 2017 AL Most Valuable Player season Altuve finished with a .957 OPS.
Astros HOF weekend
The Astros retire Hall of Famer Billy Wagner's number 13 Saturday. 12 players wore 13 after Wagner's time in Houston ended. They do not exactly comprise a Who's Who of Astros lore. Tyler White may have been the best of the dozen. Hey, I said the pickings were slim! Cooper Hummel goes down as the last to wear 13 as an Astro in an official game. Hummel wore 13 last season, before being assigned number 16 when he rejoined the team this season.
For Astro-centric conversation, join Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and me for the Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast which drops each Monday afternoon, with an additional episode now on Thursday. Click here to catch!
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