THE COUCH SLOUCH

Who is the worst owner in professional sports? A tale of the tape

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Just before the turn of the century, two monsters of a new millennium were unleashed on the unsuspecting sporting communities of New York and Washington. Twenty years later, two franchises – the NBA Knicks and the NFL R*dsk*ns – have fallen from proud to pathetic, laying in waste in a rubble-filled puddle of dysfunction and defeat.

Today we bring you an overdue comparison of the presumptive worst owners in professional sports, the Knicks' James Dolan and the R*dsk*ns' Daniel Snyder:

Phoenix Suns v New York Knicks/James Dolan

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How They Got There. To his credit, the 55-year-old Snyder, a college dropout, is a self-made billionaire (perhaps forever tainting the terms "self-made" and "billionaire"), parlaying his Snyder Communications marketing company into buying the Redskins in 1999 for $800 million. Dolan, 64, climbed the ranks the old-fashioned way – he is the son of Cablevision founder Charles Dolan, and his dad handed him control of the Knicks in 1999.

Team Records. Under Dolan, the Knicks have the worst record in the NBA in the 21st century, winning exactly one playoff series (2013) and missing the postseason the past six years. Under Snyder, the R*dsk*ns are 142-190-1, with a grand total of two playoff victories (1999, 2005 seasons).

Coaches. Dolan has had 13 head coaches in 20 seasons, including Herb Williams twice; he fired David Fizdale this month. Snyder has only had nine coaches in 20 seasons; he fired Jay Gruden in October, asking him to report to the R*dsk*ns facility at 5 a.m. to be told of his dismissal. (At least he beat traffic.)

Front Office Boo-Boos. Dolan hired Isiah Thomas as team president and subsequently hired him as head coach. Snyder first had Vinny Cerrato running the team, followed by Bruce Allen. If Thomas, Cerrato and Allen ran Bed Bath & Beyond, there would be no bath or beyond.

Business Hiccups. Dolan reportedly lost $250 million for Cablevision when he bought the failing Wiz electronics chain, which ended up in liquidation. Snyder seized control of Six Flags, taking it into bankruptcy four years later. Apparently, integrated circuitry and theme parks ain't in these guys' wheelhouse.

Customer Relations: After a fan yelled at Dolan to "sell the team" following a home loss in March, Dolan banned him from Madison Square Garden for life; he has attempted to bar individuals several times from Knicks games. Snyder once banned fan signs from FedEx Field (largely to eliminate embarrassing, critical messages), once disallowed pedestrian traffic into FedEx Field (largely to prevent fans from parking at a nearby mall to avoid stadium parking fees) and sued season-ticket holders who back out of long-term contracts (largely to extract more money from the serfs).

Media Relations. Both virtually never grant interviews. As part of a long-running feud, Dolan barred the New York Daily News from a post-draft press conference in June, incurring a $50,000 NBA fine. Snyder once sued the Washington City Paper and writer Dave McKenna for the greatest Snyder article ever penned, "The Cranky R*dsk*ns Fan's Guide to Dan Snyder," before dropping the action in 2011.

Hobbies. Dolan is the frontman and guitarist for the blues-inspired rock band JD & The Straight Shot. Snyder is the owner of a $180 million superyacht that includes an IMAX theater, a basketball court and a helipad; it can accommodate several hundred passengers, coincidentally about the same number of people attending R*dsk*ns home games this season.

Temperament. They both have a bad temperament.

Conclusion: Who Is Worse? With cooperation from the Johns Hopkins Advanced Physics Laboratory and ESPN Stats & Info, we created a complex analytical model to deconstruct the two owners. And the results? Remarkably, the numbers indicate that, if Dolan and Snyder swapped franchises over the last two decades, the Knicks and the R*dsk*ns would still have the exact same records over that span.

Ask The Slouch

Q.Vanna White is currently pinch-hitting for the injured Pat Sajak. If you went on the D.L., who would peck away on the old Smith Corona? (Jack Drury; Cumberland, Md.)

A. Our one-month contingency calls for Toni to handle two columns, Shirley to handle one and Daisy – our 90-pound pit mix with a 25-word vocabulary – to handle the other.

Q.Does the Bureau of Engraving and Printing literally print money? (Dan Campos; Miami Beach, Fla.)

A. No. Scott Boras does.

Q.How can you explain the execrable Lane Kiffin getting his fifth head-coaching job? (Howard Freed; Mequon, Wis.)

A. I assume he interviews well.

Q.A la Le'Veon Bell, have you ever called in sick for work and then went bowling? (Tim Jones; Philadelphia)

A. No, but I opted to bowl on the second night of my second honeymoon, effectively ending the honeymoon.

Q.Are there any videos in the Patriots' "Do Your Job" series that AREN'T about cheating? (Mark Cohen; Gibsonia, Pa.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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Saying people get carried away is an understatement. Composite image by Jack Brame.


It's early April. Spring has sprung. Birds are chirping. We're experiencing the last few days of temps in the 60s. Allergies are running rampant and causing havoc. It's also in the prime of the NFL offseason. The new league year has started. Free agency has been in full effect for about a month or so. All the top guys have been signed. Vets have been cut for cap casualty purposes, or to make room for newer/cheaper talent. It's also draft season, and you know what that means!

ESPN 97.5's own Lance Zierlein put out his mock draft 3.0 for the 2023 NFL Draft. Per the usual, fans of just about all 32 teams were ready to do awful things to LZ. The things they said were even worse! Two of his 27 kids joined in on the beatdown! Our crack staff at Gow Media captured the segment from The Bench with John and Lance where the guys played audio of an AI voice reading the mean tweets:

There's something about a mock draft that sets people off. I'm not sure why. If you look at the adjective definition of mock, it states: not authentic or real, but without the intention to deceive. People tend to forget that part of the term “mock draft” and take it way too serious. They act as if this mock draft is a prediction, or a spoiler. As if these draft analysts are somehow inside the war rooms and meetings; taking the info they absorb from talking to coaches, scouts, and GMs; then formulating their mock drafts. I can assure you this is FAR from the truth.

Do some of these draft analysts pass on their mocks as gospel? Of course they do! They have egos just like any other paid professional. Do they take their jobs too seriously? Absolutely. If you don't believe in you, why would you expect anyone else to believe in you? Do they get sensitive when called out? Yes. I would too if some of you responded the way you do. Threatening people, making personal attacks, and cyber-bullying are very real. Some take it way too far.

One thing I want to emphasize is this: the people who do this for a living will get it wrong more than they get it right. LZ and I have had these discussions on and off since like 2009/2010. He once told me if you can predict the pick, player, and team eight to ten times out of the 32 picks in the first round, you're doing great. I got about six or seven right one year and acted like my bleep didn't stink! Others hated and only wanted to talk about how many I missed. They, too, missed the whole point.

I often wonder why people dislike draft analysts and mock drafts. My old co-host/mentor/great friend Craig Shelton (RIP) and I would regularly get into heated debates over draft analysts and stuff. We'd agree to disagree, then get into it again! His stance was that they don't know what they're talking about, since they can't accurately predict how it'll go. He also felt many would blame teams for doing something different and make it seem as if the analyst was smarter than the actual teams making the picks. While there are draft analysts out there like that, many are here to provide insight into what teams could possibly do.

One thing I know about LZ is he prides himself more on his player evaluations than his mocks. He's responsible for writing the evaluations you see on NFL.com and on NFL Network. That's what he thinks of all the players that are draft eligible. He has to study their game film and make the best assessment possible on their projected potential at the next level. Imagine doing this for well over 300 players over the course of about a year, sometimes more, only for some schlub on Twitter to tell you they think you should be fired for having the Raiders not draft a quarterback in the first round?

Weather forecasters get the weather wrong every day! Yet, we still go back to them every day to see what the weather will be like. Computers often fail us. Yet we use them every day. Our smartphones frequently do dumb things. Yet we won't give up on them either. People will often disappoint us. Yet we will give them chance after chance. My question is: why do we give draft analysts so much grief? Especially over something we're supposed to enjoy? I think it's time we start looking in the mirror and realizing we allow ourselves to get too worked up over something that's meant to entertain and help inform. Weed out the fakes, phonies, and pay attention to the ones who actually give a damn about their work.

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