The Couch Slouch
With two decades in the books, 21st century is not off to the best start
Dec 30, 2019, 6:56 am
Getty Images
Boston fans
Two decades in the books, and, I must say, the 21st century is off to a rough-and-tumble start.
(This, of course, also could've been said of the 15th century, and it rebounded pretty nicely – the key being the invention of the printing press, followed by Christopher Columbus accidentally "discovering' the New World, prompting the New York Post headline, "Headless Body in Topless Bar as Italian Explorer Stumbles Upon Civilization.")
Let's take a closer look at the bugaboos and blemishes infesting our nascent millennium:
The rise of Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless: They call it "Embrace Debate." I call it "Embrace Carnival Barkers Spewing Hot-Take Nonsense That Makes Extraterrestrial Eyewitnesses Seem Reasonable."
The fall of civility: If I'm next in line to check out at a supermarket and they open a new register, the three people behind me will rush over in a stampede to get there first. Uh, as George Costanza once intoned, "You know, we're living in a society!"
Mixed martial arts: Just when I forsook boxing, the UFC became a thing. It is forbidden in Couch Slouch's household, though our beloved pit mix Daisy steals glances of it in the backyard on her smartphone.
Facebook: Sure, Coca-Cola is the most successful retail product of all time because people love its taste. But how do you explain the feat of Facebook, a runaway consumer hit that makes people lonely and depressed?
The NBA has turned into a Pop-A-Shot contest from long distance: God bless Stephen Curry, an utter delight to watch. But now every 7-footer east of DeMarcus Cousins is jacking it up from beyond the arc. And let me ask you this: In soccer, when you score from 30 yards out instead of from five yards out, how come they don't count it for, say, 1.5 goals on the scoreboard? Think about it.
Avocado toast: Do I like avocado? Yes. Do I like toast? Yes. Am I going to pay $10 for a slice of avocado on a piece of toast? No.
Juicing: Eat a banana, for goodness sakes.
Computerized statistical analysis: If you think being told a team has an 82.3 percent win probability with six minutes left in the fourth quarter needlessly sucks the joy out of sports, you might be on to something. Plus do you really want Nate Silver sitting to your left for three hours talking up launch angle and which way Wisconsin is leaning?
Science denial: What planet are flat earthers, anti-vaxxers and climate change rebutters living on? And is e=mc² suddenly in question?
Streaming services: Believe it or not, you can have too many choices. Give me Channels 4, 5, 7, 9 and 13, and I'm good to go.
Kale: I actually enjoy it. But kale enthusiasts are worse than cycling enthusiasts – they think they own the road.
Too much Boston success, too many Boston sports fans: Nobody wants the New England Patriots (or the Boston Red Sox) to win another championship. Nobody wants to be next to a Boston sports guy in a bar, plane or bank line.
Robocalls: A generation or three ago, the phone ringing was a happy sound. Now, it's someone running for reelection, a supposed creditor or a fake IRS official asking for your Social Security number or you could be in prison within a week.
Public subsidies for new stadium venues. Your tax dollars at work; does not include the "personal seat license," where you pay a nominal five- or six figure fee to allow you the right to buy a season ticket to your very own seat!
People taking photos of their meals at restaurants: Just eat the damn food before it gets cold.
Twitter: I do not need 280 characters to express myself on this subject area – Twitter is the global warming of the Internet. We are doomed. #JustSayNoToTwitter
The decline of boxing, pinball machines and telephone booths. This speaks for itself.
FIFA: Crooks.
Replay: The rest of our lives apparently will be under review.
Ask The Slouch
Q.While surfing away from an NFL game recently, I happened across a pro bowlers telecast. As I watched, mesmerized, the thought came to me: How can we use replay to screw up bowling? (Jim Clanton; Spokane Valley, Wash.)
A. Bowling cannot be screwed up. Incidentally, we use replay at my local bowling center only when there is a dispute in regard to whose beer is whose.
Q.Are other scribes and talking heads allowed to disseminate the views of your column without your express written consent? (Jack Drury; Lavale, Md.)
A. It's a moot point – no other scribe or talking head wishes to disseminate my views.
Q. Do you think Le'Veon Bell and Antonio Bell wish they were still in Pittsburgh? (Matthew Blume; Albany, N.Y.)
A. I wish I were still in Pittsburgh and I've never even been there.
Q. Any truth to the rumor that the estate of Harold Ramis is suing the Washington R*dsk*ns for stealing the plot from "Groundhog Day"? (Dan Morgiewicz; Burke, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
Most Popular
SportsMap Emails
Are Awesome
Listen Live
Marcell Ozuna hit his major league-leading eighth homer and Orlando Arcia’s RBI single in the 10th inning lifted the Atlanta Braves to a 5-4 win over the Houston Astros on Wednesday.
It completes a three-game sweep of the struggling Astros and is Atlanta’s fourth straight victory.
The Braves scored two runs in the eighth inning to tie it at 4-4. Michael Harris II started the 10th as the automatic runner on second and there was one out in the inning when Seth Martinez (1-1) intentionally walked Matt Olson.
Ozuna lined out to right field to send Harris to third base. Arcia then singled on a ground ball to left field to score Harris and put the Braves on top.
Pinch-runner Jake Meyers was on second when Kyle Tucker walked with no outs in the 10th. Meyers moved to third on a fly out by Yainer Diaz but Jeremy Peña grounded into a double play to end it.
A.J. Minter (3-1) got the last two outs of the ninth for the win and Raisel Iglesias earned his fifth save.
Reigning NL MVP Ronald Acuña Jr. added his first homer of the season to help the Braves to the victory. Ozuna also leads the majors with 23 RBIs and he extended his hitting streak to 16 games, which ties his career best and is the longest active streak in the majors.
Yordan Alvarez and Mauricio Dubón both homered for the Astros, who fell to 6-14 and are last in the AL West.
There was one out in the first when Alvarez connected on his homer to the seats in left field to put Houston up 1-0.
Ozuna opened the second with his 432-foot shot to left field, which bounced off the wall and tied the game.
Acuña put the Braves up 2-1 when he sent the first pitch of the fifth inning to straightaway center field.
The Astros tied it on an RBI single by Alex Bregman in the fifth and Kyle Tucker’s RBI double came next to put the Astros up 3-2.
Dubón hit his first home run of the year off Jesse Chavez to start Houston’s sixth and push the lead to 4-2.
Harris singled to start the seventh before a ground-rule double by Austin Riley. Olson reached, and Harris scored on a fielding error by first baseman José Abreu when he couldn’t grab a routine ground ball.
There was one out in the inning when Riley scored on a sacrifice fly by Arcia to tie it at 4-all.
Houston starter J.P. France allowed four hits and two runs in five innings.
Max Fried gave up seven hits and three runs in five innings.
UP NEXT
Braves: Atlanta is off Thursday before opening a series against Texas on Friday night with LHP Chris Sale (1-1, 4.58 ERA) on the mound.
Astros: Houston is also off Thursday before ace Justin Verlander will make his season debut Friday night against Washington. The three-time Cy Young Award winner opened the season on the injured list with inflammation in his right shoulder.