The Couch Slouch

With two decades in the books, 21st century is not off to the best start

With two decades in the books, 21st century is not off to the best start
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Boston fans

Two decades in the books, and, I must say, the 21st century is off to a rough-and-tumble start.

(This, of course, also could've been said of the 15th century, and it rebounded pretty nicely – the key being the invention of the printing press, followed by Christopher Columbus accidentally "discovering' the New World, prompting the New York Post headline, "Headless Body in Topless Bar as Italian Explorer Stumbles Upon Civilization.")

Let's take a closer look at the bugaboos and blemishes infesting our nascent millennium:

The rise of Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless: They call it "Embrace Debate." I call it "Embrace Carnival Barkers Spewing Hot-Take Nonsense That Makes Extraterrestrial Eyewitnesses Seem Reasonable."

The fall of civility: If I'm next in line to check out at a supermarket and they open a new register, the three people behind me will rush over in a stampede to get there first. Uh, as George Costanza once intoned, "You know, we're living in a society!"

Mixed martial arts: Just when I forsook boxing, the UFC became a thing. It is forbidden in Couch Slouch's household, though our beloved pit mix Daisy steals glances of it in the backyard on her smartphone.

Facebook: Sure, Coca-Cola is the most successful retail product of all time because people love its taste. But how do you explain the feat of Facebook, a runaway consumer hit that makes people lonely and depressed?

The NBA has turned into a Pop-A-Shot contest from long distance: God bless Stephen Curry, an utter delight to watch. But now every 7-footer east of DeMarcus Cousins is jacking it up from beyond the arc. And let me ask you this: In soccer, when you score from 30 yards out instead of from five yards out, how come they don't count it for, say, 1.5 goals on the scoreboard? Think about it.

Avocado toast: Do I like avocado? Yes. Do I like toast? Yes. Am I going to pay $10 for a slice of avocado on a piece of toast? No.

Juicing: Eat a banana, for goodness sakes.

Computerized statistical analysis: If you think being told a team has an 82.3 percent win probability with six minutes left in the fourth quarter needlessly sucks the joy out of sports, you might be on to something. Plus do you really want Nate Silver sitting to your left for three hours talking up launch angle and which way Wisconsin is leaning?

Science denial: What planet are flat earthers, anti-vaxxers and climate change rebutters living on? And is e=mc² suddenly in question?

Streaming services: Believe it or not, you can have too many choices. Give me Channels 4, 5, 7, 9 and 13, and I'm good to go.

Kale: I actually enjoy it. But kale enthusiasts are worse than cycling enthusiasts – they think they own the road.

Too much Boston success, too many Boston sports fans: Nobody wants the New England Patriots (or the Boston Red Sox) to win another championship. Nobody wants to be next to a Boston sports guy in a bar, plane or bank line.

Robocalls: A generation or three ago, the phone ringing was a happy sound. Now, it's someone running for reelection, a supposed creditor or a fake IRS official asking for your Social Security number or you could be in prison within a week.

Public subsidies for new stadium venues. Your tax dollars at work; does not include the "personal seat license," where you pay a nominal five- or six figure fee to allow you the right to buy a season ticket to your very own seat!

People taking photos of their meals at restaurants: Just eat the damn food before it gets cold.

Twitter: I do not need 280 characters to express myself on this subject area – Twitter is the global warming of the Internet. We are doomed. #JustSayNoToTwitter

The decline of boxing, pinball machines and telephone booths. This speaks for itself.

FIFA: Crooks.

Replay: The rest of our lives apparently will be under review.

Ask The Slouch

Q.While surfing away from an NFL game recently, I happened across a pro bowlers telecast. As I watched, mesmerized, the thought came to me: How can we use replay to screw up bowling? (Jim Clanton; Spokane Valley, Wash.)

A. Bowling cannot be screwed up. Incidentally, we use replay at my local bowling center only when there is a dispute in regard to whose beer is whose.

Q.Are other scribes and talking heads allowed to disseminate the views of your column without your express written consent? (Jack Drury; Lavale, Md.)

A. It's a moot point – no other scribe or talking head wishes to disseminate my views.

Q. Do you think Le'Veon Bell and Antonio Bell wish they were still in Pittsburgh? (Matthew Blume; Albany, N.Y.)

A. I wish I were still in Pittsburgh and I've never even been there.

Q. Any truth to the rumor that the estate of Harold Ramis is suing the Washington R*dsk*ns for stealing the plot from "Groundhog Day"? (Dan Morgiewicz; Burke, Va.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!


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Kyle Tucker returns to Houston this weekend. Composite Getty Image.

Two first-place teams, identical records, and a weekend set with serious measuring-stick energy.

The Houston Astros and Chicago Cubs open a three-game series Friday night at Daikin Park, in what could quietly be one of the more telling matchups of the summer. Both teams enter at 48-33, each atop their respective divisions — but trending in slightly different directions.

The Astros have been red-hot, going 7-3 over their last 10 while outscoring opponents by 11 runs. They've done it behind one of the best pitching staffs in baseball, with a collective 3.41 ERA that ranks second in the American League. Houston has also been dominant at home, where they’ve compiled a 30-13 record — a stat that looms large heading into this weekend.

On the other side, the Cubs have held their ground in the NL Central but have shown some recent shakiness. They're 5-5 over their last 10 games and have given up 5.66 runs per game over that stretch. Still, the offense remains dangerous, ranking fifth in on-base percentage across the majors. Kyle Tucker leads the way with a .287 average, 16 homers, and 49 RBIs, while Michael Busch has been hot of late, collecting 12 hits in his last 37 at-bats.

Friday’s pitching matchup features Houston’s Brandon Walter (0-1, 3.80 ERA, 1.10 WHIP) and Chicago’s Cade Horton (3-1, 3.73 ERA, 1.29 WHIP), a promising young arm making one of his biggest starts of the season on the road. Horton will have his hands full with Isaac Paredes, who’s slugged 16 homers on the year, and Mauricio Dubón, who’s found a groove with four home runs over his last 10 games.

It’s the first meeting of the season between these two clubs — and if the trends continue, it may not be the last time they cross paths when it really counts.

BETMGM SPORTSBOOK LINE: Astros -112, Cubs -107; over/under is 8 1/2 runs

Here's a preview of Joe Espada's Game 1 lineup.

The first thing that stands out is rookie Cam Smith is hitting cleanup, followed by Jake Meyers. Victor Caratini is the DH and is hitting sixth. Christian Walker is all the way down at seventh, followed by Yainer Diaz, and Taylor Trammell who is playing left field.

How the mighty have fallen.

Pretty wild to see Walker and Diaz hitting this low in the lineup. However, it's justified, based on performance. Walker is hitting a pathetic .214 and Diaz is slightly better sporting a .238 batting average.

Screenshot via: MLB.com



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