THE COUCH SLOUCH
23 observations on sports and media you won't want to miss
Sep 16, 2019, 6:57 am
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Jeremy Schaap
These are 23 (more) facts, tried and true, about the widening world of sports television:
1. They say that nobody gets out alive – I assume they are referring to ESPN's First Take.
2. Every time I go to the Cheesecake Factory, I can't believe how long the wait is – the food's good, but not that good. College football on TV is sort of the same thing.
3. I would compare Norman Esiason's 18-year run on CBS's The NFL Today favorably with J. Edgar Hoover's 37-year run as FBI director.
4. Here's the thing about ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball: It's unwatchable and unlistenable, which, put in layman's terms, means it's hard to watch and hard to listen to.
5. All I do is tell people to watch more bowling on TV, and all people do is ignore me.
6. I wanted to invite ESPN's Jeremy Schaap and his wife Joclyn over for dinner recently, but we couldn't rent a butler in time.
7. Fellow Terp Scott Van Pelt is so good on SportsCenter, I almost forgive him his blind spot on University of Maryland athletics.
8. Bob Costas is growing on me.
(Column Intermission I: Virtually completing our descent into cultural hell, cbssports.com's Chris Trapasso now offers regular power rankings of NFL practice-squad players. This is likely the final piece in the puzzle for the fast-growing NFL practice-squad fantasy sports industry. For the record, Cardinals quarterback Kyle Sloter – boy, the kid's got great arm talent and eye discipline – currently is ranked No. 1.)
9. If it's all about "launch angle," I suspect Albert Einstein would've been an incredible baseball GM and sports bettor.
10. I always read Barstool Sports' website while on the can to cut out the middleman.
11. One day FS1's Doug Gottlieb will say something that I write down, and when I look at it a bit later, I'll actually think, "Yeah, that makes sense."
12. If Woodstock had morphed into an annual music festival, I'm guessing Joe Lunardi would have another specialty.
13. I understand that MTV doesn't show music videos anymore, but how come every time I turn on the Golf Channel to watch a golf tournament, they're not showing any golf?
14. I hate to state the obvious, but why wouldn't the NFL consider Tuesday Night Football and Wednesday Night Football as well?
15. It is a statistical improbability that no one from esports, cornhole or darts telecasts has called me to provide commentary.
16. The day that synchronized swimming incorporates replay challenges, I'll know it's all but over.
(Column Intermission II: Here is verbatim analysis from Alex Rodriguez during a recent Phillies-Mets game on ESPN: "You always want even leads, versus odd leads. Why? The solo home run doesn't tie it and the grand slam does not beat you." I don't know where to start, so I won't.)
17. In medieval times, every town had a village idiot. Now, there is FS1's Speak for Yourself.
18. While in the middle of a recent appearance on The Dan Patrick Show, NBC's Peter King was ticketed for talking on his cellphone while driving. Actually, I think the cop gave King a ticket for polluting the airwaves.
19. Toni and I never argue over who gets the clicker because we can never find it.
20. I'd bet Jeremy Schaap's last Argyle sock that one day there will be a sports betting show on TV called, No Gamble No Future.
21. 7-Eleven never closes, which makes me wonder if the place ever gets cleaned up really good; I worry about ESPN in the same way.
22. TMZ Sports? Uh, no.
23. Perhaps you could cite my own self-interest in this matter and perhaps I am wrong, but I firmly believe that poker on TV saves lives.
Ask The Slouch
Q. So the Jaguars, your NFL Team of Destiny, now have Gardner Minshew, the "Stache" at Washington State, starting at quarterback. As the "Stache" in the sports writing community, how do you figure this will turn out? (Steve Hintyesz; Spokane, Wash.)
A. I have known about Minshew ever since meeting him at a mustache mixer in 2018. He is destined for greatness and the Jags are still destined for Super Bowl 54.
Q. Does Odell Beckham Jr. wearing a $190,000 watch during games offend you? (Radu Marinescu; Glendale, Ariz.)
A. Critics fail to realize that, by wearing a watch during games, Beckham is the only one on the field to know the time of day after every play.
Q. Sam Darnold out with mononucleosis? Really? (Ben Whitman; St. Petersburg, Fla.)
A. It's an odd ailment attached commonly to New York Jets quarterbacks – didn't Joe Namath have mono after kissing Suzy Kolber?
Q. Historically, which has been the greater jinx: Appearing on a Sports Illustrated cover or being selected as the Couch Slouch Team of Destiny? "Doc" Scoville; Fairfax, Va.)
A. Listen, pal, I have overcome the jinx of working for Sports Illustrated to be here today, of almost sound mind and body.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
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Texas' Quinn Ewers and Clemson's Cade Klubnik already have a championship history between them.
Both quarterbacks hail from Texas, and in January 2021 they were two of the highest-rated junior recruits in the nation when they met on the biggest stage of high school football in the the country: the Texas Class 6A state championship.
Klubnik got the best of Ewers that day, leading Austin Westlake to a 52-34 win over Southlake Carroll. They meet again Saturday when No. 12 seed Clemson (10-3) and No. 5 seed Texas (11-2) clash in the first round of the expanded 12-team College Football Playoff.
For Klubnik, the first step toward leading Clemson back to a national title begins in his hometown just a few miles from where he grew up and played at a high school that produced NFL quarterbacks Drew Brees, Nick Foles and Sam Ehlinger.
And it promises to be an emotional return. When the Tigers and Longhorns were announced as first-round opponents, a camera quickly found Klubnik with a stunned look on his face as Tigers coach Dabo Swinney hugged him.
Then it was talk of the rematch with Ewers, with even bigger goals at stake this time.
“You know, Quinn and I go way back. We played each other in seventh or eighth grade and so on. My junior year in the state championship game was definitely a very high profile game," Klubnik said.
It was more than “high profile.”
Because of the two star quarterbacks and the pedigrees of their programs, their championship game against each other holds legendary status in a state that has produced too many great college players and games to count.
Klubnik and Westlake had won the state championship the previous year. The 2020 season was delayed by the pandemic, pushing the championship game into 2021. Ewers was the top-rated junior QB in the country, had already committed to Ohio State. Klubnik was ranked the No. 2 QB in Texas right behind him, but was still uncommitted.
Ewers passed for 351 yards and three touchdowns. Klubnik was just as good, with 18-of-20 passing for 220 yards and a touchdown, and another 97 yards rushing.
“That ain't fun when the fastest guy on the field is touching the ball 100% of the time,” Southlake Carroll coach Riley Dodge said that day.
Klubnik's Westlake teammates included Michael Taaffe, who is now a Texas safety, and Ethan Burke and Colton Vasek, who are now Longhorns defensive linemen.
Taaffe this week described Klubnik as his “best friend” that season at Westlake. He noted the school and social disruptions of the COVID season before the championship game.
“There was nothing we could do but throw the football around," Taaffe said. “We had nothing to do but become best friends. We were trying to win a state championship.”
Taaffe did his part in the state championship game, intercepting a pass from Ewers in the second half. He'd love to do the same to Klubnik. And Taaffe and won't pull any punches if he gets a chance for a sack or big hit on his old friend.
“My job is my to take my opponent's soul," Taaffe said. “It doesn't matter if it's my best friend or the guy I hate the most on this planet.
"Cade does everything it takes to try to win. He's going to do whatever it takes. I don't assume there's going to be a lot of sliding out of Cade come Saturday. I don't think there's going to be a lot of stepping out of bounds. Especially if he sees (me). He's definitely going to try to lower his shoulder on me and tell me about it, too," Taaffe said.
After that 2021 state title game, Klubnik and Westlake followed it up with another state championship the next season. Some recruiting outlets rated Klubnik the No. 1 quarterback in the country in 2022.
He became Clemson's regular starter last season. His 33 touchdown passes this season helped revive Clemson after an ugly 34-3 season-opening loss to Georgia. Klubnik had four TD pass as the Tigers won the ACC championship to earn their playoff berth, the program's first since 2020.
Ewers left high school early after that state championship game loss. He declared for college that spring and enrolled at Ohio State. His freshman season of 2021 was spent deep on the Buckeyes bench before transferring to Texas, where he led a Longhorns rejuvenation.
Texas won the Big 12 title last season and made the four-team playoff for the first time. The Longhorns reached No. 1 this season for the first time since 2008 and narrowly lost the SEC championship to Georgia in Texas' first year in the league.
As for facing Klubnik again, Ewers called it “cool.” Back in high school, Ewers had a swashbuckling mullet haircut that flowed from under his helmet. Now the most radical thing about him might be a slightly scraggly beard.
“Me and Cade have a good relationship,” Ewers said. “It's definitely cool to get to play each other again, come full circle.”