THE COUCH SLOUCH
23 observations on sports and media you won't want to miss
Sep 16, 2019, 6:57 am
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Jeremy Schaap
These are 23 (more) facts, tried and true, about the widening world of sports television:
1. They say that nobody gets out alive – I assume they are referring to ESPN's First Take.
2. Every time I go to the Cheesecake Factory, I can't believe how long the wait is – the food's good, but not that good. College football on TV is sort of the same thing.
3. I would compare Norman Esiason's 18-year run on CBS's The NFL Today favorably with J. Edgar Hoover's 37-year run as FBI director.
4. Here's the thing about ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball: It's unwatchable and unlistenable, which, put in layman's terms, means it's hard to watch and hard to listen to.
5. All I do is tell people to watch more bowling on TV, and all people do is ignore me.
6. I wanted to invite ESPN's Jeremy Schaap and his wife Joclyn over for dinner recently, but we couldn't rent a butler in time.
7. Fellow Terp Scott Van Pelt is so good on SportsCenter, I almost forgive him his blind spot on University of Maryland athletics.
8. Bob Costas is growing on me.
(Column Intermission I: Virtually completing our descent into cultural hell, cbssports.com's Chris Trapasso now offers regular power rankings of NFL practice-squad players. This is likely the final piece in the puzzle for the fast-growing NFL practice-squad fantasy sports industry. For the record, Cardinals quarterback Kyle Sloter – boy, the kid's got great arm talent and eye discipline – currently is ranked No. 1.)
9. If it's all about "launch angle," I suspect Albert Einstein would've been an incredible baseball GM and sports bettor.
10. I always read Barstool Sports' website while on the can to cut out the middleman.
11. One day FS1's Doug Gottlieb will say something that I write down, and when I look at it a bit later, I'll actually think, "Yeah, that makes sense."
12. If Woodstock had morphed into an annual music festival, I'm guessing Joe Lunardi would have another specialty.
13. I understand that MTV doesn't show music videos anymore, but how come every time I turn on the Golf Channel to watch a golf tournament, they're not showing any golf?
14. I hate to state the obvious, but why wouldn't the NFL consider Tuesday Night Football and Wednesday Night Football as well?
15. It is a statistical improbability that no one from esports, cornhole or darts telecasts has called me to provide commentary.
16. The day that synchronized swimming incorporates replay challenges, I'll know it's all but over.
(Column Intermission II: Here is verbatim analysis from Alex Rodriguez during a recent Phillies-Mets game on ESPN: "You always want even leads, versus odd leads. Why? The solo home run doesn't tie it and the grand slam does not beat you." I don't know where to start, so I won't.)
17. In medieval times, every town had a village idiot. Now, there is FS1's Speak for Yourself.
18. While in the middle of a recent appearance on The Dan Patrick Show, NBC's Peter King was ticketed for talking on his cellphone while driving. Actually, I think the cop gave King a ticket for polluting the airwaves.
19. Toni and I never argue over who gets the clicker because we can never find it.
20. I'd bet Jeremy Schaap's last Argyle sock that one day there will be a sports betting show on TV called, No Gamble No Future.
21. 7-Eleven never closes, which makes me wonder if the place ever gets cleaned up really good; I worry about ESPN in the same way.
22. TMZ Sports? Uh, no.
23. Perhaps you could cite my own self-interest in this matter and perhaps I am wrong, but I firmly believe that poker on TV saves lives.
Ask The Slouch
Q. So the Jaguars, your NFL Team of Destiny, now have Gardner Minshew, the "Stache" at Washington State, starting at quarterback. As the "Stache" in the sports writing community, how do you figure this will turn out? (Steve Hintyesz; Spokane, Wash.)
A. I have known about Minshew ever since meeting him at a mustache mixer in 2018. He is destined for greatness and the Jags are still destined for Super Bowl 54.
Q. Does Odell Beckham Jr. wearing a $190,000 watch during games offend you? (Radu Marinescu; Glendale, Ariz.)
A. Critics fail to realize that, by wearing a watch during games, Beckham is the only one on the field to know the time of day after every play.
Q. Sam Darnold out with mononucleosis? Really? (Ben Whitman; St. Petersburg, Fla.)
A. It's an odd ailment attached commonly to New York Jets quarterbacks – didn't Joe Namath have mono after kissing Suzy Kolber?
Q. Historically, which has been the greater jinx: Appearing on a Sports Illustrated cover or being selected as the Couch Slouch Team of Destiny? "Doc" Scoville; Fairfax, Va.)
A. Listen, pal, I have overcome the jinx of working for Sports Illustrated to be here today, of almost sound mind and body.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
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A lockout appears unavoidable! Photo via: Wiki Commons.
Looming over baseball is a likely lockout in December 2026, a possible management push for a salary cap and perhaps lost regular-season games for the first time since 1995.
“No one’s talking about it, but we all know that they’re going to lock us out for it, and then we’re going to miss time,” New York Mets All-Star first baseman Pete Alonso said Monday at the All-Star Game. “We’re definitely going to fight to not have a salary cap and the league’s obviously not going to like that.”
Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred and some owners have cited payroll disparity as a problem, while at the same time MLB is working to address a revenue decline from regional sports networks. Unlike the NFL, NBA and NHL, baseball has never had a salary cap because its players staunchly oppose one.
Despite higher levels of luxury tax that started in 2022, the World Series champion Los Angeles Dodgers and New York Mets have pushed payrolls to record levels. The last small-market MLB club to win a World Series was the Kansas City Royals in 2015.
After signing outfielder Juan Soto to a record $765 million contract, New York opened this season with an industry-high $326 million payroll, nearly five times Miami’s $69 million, according to Major League Baseball’s figures. Using luxury tax payrolls, based on average annual values that account for future commitments and include benefits, the Dodgers were first at $400 million and on track to owe a record luxury tax of about $151 million — shattering the previous tax record of $103 million set by Los Angeles last year.
“When I talk to the players, I don’t try to convince them that a salary cap system would be a good thing,” Manfred told the Baseball Writers’ Association of America on Tuesday. “I identify a problem in the media business and explain to them that owners need to change to address that problem. I then identify a second problem that we need to work together and that is that there are fans in a lot of our markets who feel like we have a competitive balance problem.”
Baseball’s collective bargaining agreement expires Dec. 1, 2026, and management lockouts have become the norm, which shifts the start of a stoppage to the offseason. During the last negotiations, the sides reached a five-year deal on March 10 after a 99-day lockout, salvaging a 162-game 2022 season.
“A cap is not about a partnership. A cap isn’t about growing the game,” union head Tony Clark said Tuesday. “A cap is about franchise values and profits. ... A salary cap historically has limited contract guarantees associated with it, literally pits one player against another and is often what we share with players as the definitive non-competitive system. It doesn’t reward excellence. It undermines it from an organizational standpoint. That’s why this is not about competitive balance. It’s not about a fair versus not. This is institutionalized collusion.”
The union’s opposition to a cap has paved the way for record-breaking salaries for star players. Soto’s deal is believed to be the richest in pro sports history, eclipsing Shohei Ohtani’s $700 million deal with the Dodgers signed a year earlier. By comparison, the biggest guaranteed contract in the NFL is $250 million for Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen.
Manfred cites that 10% of players earn 72% of salaries.
“I never use the word `salary’ within one of `cap,’” he said. “What I do say to them is in addressing this competitive issue that’s real we should think about whether this system is the perfect system from a players’ perspective.”
A management salary cap proposal could contain a salary floor and a guaranteed percentage of revenue to players. Baseball players have endured nine work stoppages, including a 7 1/2-month strike in 1994-95 that fought off a cap proposal.
Agent Scott Boras likens a cap plan to attracting kids to a “gingerbread house.”
“We’ve heard it for 20 years. It’s almost like the childhood fable,” he said. “This very traditional, same approach is not something that would lead the younger players to the gingerbread house.”