THE COUCH SLOUCH

23 observations on sports and media you won't want to miss

23 observations on sports and media you won't want to miss
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Jeremy Schaap

These are 23 (more) facts, tried and true, about the widening world of sports television:

1. They say that nobody gets out alive – I assume they are referring to ESPN's First Take.

2. Every time I go to the Cheesecake Factory, I can't believe how long the wait is – the food's good, but not that good. College football on TV is sort of the same thing.

3. I would compare Norman Esiason's 18-year run on CBS's The NFL Today favorably with J. Edgar Hoover's 37-year run as FBI director.

4. Here's the thing about ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball: It's unwatchable and unlistenable, which, put in layman's terms, means it's hard to watch and hard to listen to.

5. All I do is tell people to watch more bowling on TV, and all people do is ignore me.

6. I wanted to invite ESPN's Jeremy Schaap and his wife Joclyn over for dinner recently, but we couldn't rent a butler in time.

7. Fellow Terp Scott Van Pelt is so good on SportsCenter, I almost forgive him his blind spot on University of Maryland athletics.

8. Bob Costas is growing on me.

(Column Intermission I: Virtually completing our descent into cultural hell, cbssports.com's Chris Trapasso now offers regular power rankings of NFL practice-squad players. This is likely the final piece in the puzzle for the fast-growing NFL practice-squad fantasy sports industry. For the record, Cardinals quarterback Kyle Sloter – boy, the kid's got great arm talent and eye discipline – currently is ranked No. 1.)

9. If it's all about "launch angle," I suspect Albert Einstein would've been an incredible baseball GM and sports bettor.

10. I always read Barstool Sports' website while on the can to cut out the middleman.

11. One day FS1's Doug Gottlieb will say something that I write down, and when I look at it a bit later, I'll actually think, "Yeah, that makes sense."

12. If Woodstock had morphed into an annual music festival, I'm guessing Joe Lunardi would have another specialty.

13. I understand that MTV doesn't show music videos anymore, but how come every time I turn on the Golf Channel to watch a golf tournament, they're not showing any golf?

14. I hate to state the obvious, but why wouldn't the NFL consider Tuesday Night Football and Wednesday Night Football as well?

15. It is a statistical improbability that no one from esports, cornhole or darts telecasts has called me to provide commentary.

16. The day that synchronized swimming incorporates replay challenges, I'll know it's all but over.

(Column Intermission II: Here is verbatim analysis from Alex Rodriguez during a recent Phillies-Mets game on ESPN: "You always want even leads, versus odd leads. Why? The solo home run doesn't tie it and the grand slam does not beat you." I don't know where to start, so I won't.)

17. In medieval times, every town had a village idiot. Now, there is FS1's Speak for Yourself.

18. While in the middle of a recent appearance on The Dan Patrick Show, NBC's Peter King was ticketed for talking on his cellphone while driving. Actually, I think the cop gave King a ticket for polluting the airwaves.

19. Toni and I never argue over who gets the clicker because we can never find it.

20. I'd bet Jeremy Schaap's last Argyle sock that one day there will be a sports betting show on TV called, No Gamble No Future.

21. 7-Eleven never closes, which makes me wonder if the place ever gets cleaned up really good; I worry about ESPN in the same way.

22. TMZ Sports? Uh, no.

23. Perhaps you could cite my own self-interest in this matter and perhaps I am wrong, but I firmly believe that poker on TV saves lives.

Ask The Slouch

Q. So the Jaguars, your NFL Team of Destiny, now have Gardner Minshew, the "Stache" at Washington State, starting at quarterback. As the "Stache" in the sports writing community, how do you figure this will turn out? (Steve Hintyesz; Spokane, Wash.)

A. I have known about Minshew ever since meeting him at a mustache mixer in 2018. He is destined for greatness and the Jags are still destined for Super Bowl 54.

Q. Does Odell Beckham Jr. wearing a $190,000 watch during games offend you? (Radu Marinescu; Glendale, Ariz.)

A. Critics fail to realize that, by wearing a watch during games, Beckham is the only one on the field to know the time of day after every play.

Q. Sam Darnold out with mononucleosis? Really? (Ben Whitman; St. Petersburg, Fla.)

A. It's an odd ailment attached commonly to New York Jets quarterbacks – didn't Joe Namath have mono after kissing Suzy Kolber?

Q. Historically, which has been the greater jinx: Appearing on a Sports Illustrated cover or being selected as the Couch Slouch Team of Destiny? "Doc" Scoville; Fairfax, Va.)

A. Listen, pal, I have overcome the jinx of working for Sports Illustrated to be here today, of almost sound mind and body.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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Twins defeat Astros, 9-3. Photo by Ed Zurga/Getty Images.

Jose Miranda matched a major league record with hits in 12 straight plate appearances and Byron Buxton and Brooks Lee homered leading the Minnesota Twins to a 9-3 win over the Houston Astros on Saturday.

Miranda, playing third base, entered the game with the team-record of hits in 10 straight at-bats. The 26-year-old singled in his first two official at-bats Saturday and tied the MLB record set by the Chicago Cubs’ Johnny Kling (1902) and matched by Boston’s Pinky Higgins (1938) and Detroit’s Walt Dropo (1952). His streak ended in the sixth inning on a routine flyout to left field.

Willi Castro added three hits for Minnesota, which raced to a five-run lead in the first two innings and led 7-1 after three.

Jon Singleton hit a two-run homer for the Astros, who lost for just the third time in 16 games.

Joe Ryan (6-5) allowed three earned runs in 5 2/3 innings, earning the win after three straight no-decisions.

The Twins jumped all over Hunter Brown (6-6), who had been one of the hottest pitchers in the majors. Over his previous five starts, he allowed just one earned run and struck out 34 in 31 innings pitched.

Brown did manage to complete six innings for the ninth straight outing, but gave up seven runs on a season-high 12 hits.

Every Twins starter had at least one hit by the fourth inning. Castro singled in the first, doubled in the second and singled in the third.

Lee's two-run homer in the third inning was the first of his career. The Twins' No. 2 prospect was called up on Wednesday and has seven hits in his first four games.

Buxton hit a two-run shot in the seventh to give the Twins some breathing room after Houston had the tying run at the plate in the sixth inning.

TRAINER’S ROOM

Astros: 2B Jose Altuve (left wrist contusion) was out of the lineup a day after he was hit on the wrist by a pitch. X-rays were negative on Friday and he’s still considered day-to-day. … OF Yordon Alvarez was hit by a pitch on his right knee in the sixth inning. He remained in the game, but was removed for a pinch hitter in the eighth inning.

UP NEXT

The series wraps up on Sunday with RHP Spencer Arrighetti (4-7, 6.13 ERA) of the Astros facing RHP Simeon Woods Richardson (3-1, 3.52) of the Twins. Arrighetti lasted just four innings in his last start, giving up six earned runs while waking four against the Blue Jays on Tuesday. Woods Richardson has given up at least three earned runs in four of his last six starts.

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