THE COUCH SLOUCH

23 observations on sports and media you won't want to miss

23 observations on sports and media you won't want to miss
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Jeremy Schaap

These are 23 (more) facts, tried and true, about the widening world of sports television:

1. They say that nobody gets out alive – I assume they are referring to ESPN's First Take.

2. Every time I go to the Cheesecake Factory, I can't believe how long the wait is – the food's good, but not that good. College football on TV is sort of the same thing.

3. I would compare Norman Esiason's 18-year run on CBS's The NFL Today favorably with J. Edgar Hoover's 37-year run as FBI director.

4. Here's the thing about ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball: It's unwatchable and unlistenable, which, put in layman's terms, means it's hard to watch and hard to listen to.

5. All I do is tell people to watch more bowling on TV, and all people do is ignore me.

6. I wanted to invite ESPN's Jeremy Schaap and his wife Joclyn over for dinner recently, but we couldn't rent a butler in time.

7. Fellow Terp Scott Van Pelt is so good on SportsCenter, I almost forgive him his blind spot on University of Maryland athletics.

8. Bob Costas is growing on me.

(Column Intermission I: Virtually completing our descent into cultural hell, cbssports.com's Chris Trapasso now offers regular power rankings of NFL practice-squad players. This is likely the final piece in the puzzle for the fast-growing NFL practice-squad fantasy sports industry. For the record, Cardinals quarterback Kyle Sloter – boy, the kid's got great arm talent and eye discipline – currently is ranked No. 1.)

9. If it's all about "launch angle," I suspect Albert Einstein would've been an incredible baseball GM and sports bettor.

10. I always read Barstool Sports' website while on the can to cut out the middleman.

11. One day FS1's Doug Gottlieb will say something that I write down, and when I look at it a bit later, I'll actually think, "Yeah, that makes sense."

12. If Woodstock had morphed into an annual music festival, I'm guessing Joe Lunardi would have another specialty.

13. I understand that MTV doesn't show music videos anymore, but how come every time I turn on the Golf Channel to watch a golf tournament, they're not showing any golf?

14. I hate to state the obvious, but why wouldn't the NFL consider Tuesday Night Football and Wednesday Night Football as well?

15. It is a statistical improbability that no one from esports, cornhole or darts telecasts has called me to provide commentary.

16. The day that synchronized swimming incorporates replay challenges, I'll know it's all but over.

(Column Intermission II: Here is verbatim analysis from Alex Rodriguez during a recent Phillies-Mets game on ESPN: "You always want even leads, versus odd leads. Why? The solo home run doesn't tie it and the grand slam does not beat you." I don't know where to start, so I won't.)

17. In medieval times, every town had a village idiot. Now, there is FS1's Speak for Yourself.

18. While in the middle of a recent appearance on The Dan Patrick Show, NBC's Peter King was ticketed for talking on his cellphone while driving. Actually, I think the cop gave King a ticket for polluting the airwaves.

19. Toni and I never argue over who gets the clicker because we can never find it.

20. I'd bet Jeremy Schaap's last Argyle sock that one day there will be a sports betting show on TV called, No Gamble No Future.

21. 7-Eleven never closes, which makes me wonder if the place ever gets cleaned up really good; I worry about ESPN in the same way.

22. TMZ Sports? Uh, no.

23. Perhaps you could cite my own self-interest in this matter and perhaps I am wrong, but I firmly believe that poker on TV saves lives.

Ask The Slouch

Q. So the Jaguars, your NFL Team of Destiny, now have Gardner Minshew, the "Stache" at Washington State, starting at quarterback. As the "Stache" in the sports writing community, how do you figure this will turn out? (Steve Hintyesz; Spokane, Wash.)

A. I have known about Minshew ever since meeting him at a mustache mixer in 2018. He is destined for greatness and the Jags are still destined for Super Bowl 54.

Q. Does Odell Beckham Jr. wearing a $190,000 watch during games offend you? (Radu Marinescu; Glendale, Ariz.)

A. Critics fail to realize that, by wearing a watch during games, Beckham is the only one on the field to know the time of day after every play.

Q. Sam Darnold out with mononucleosis? Really? (Ben Whitman; St. Petersburg, Fla.)

A. It's an odd ailment attached commonly to New York Jets quarterbacks – didn't Joe Namath have mono after kissing Suzy Kolber?

Q. Historically, which has been the greater jinx: Appearing on a Sports Illustrated cover or being selected as the Couch Slouch Team of Destiny? "Doc" Scoville; Fairfax, Va.)

A. Listen, pal, I have overcome the jinx of working for Sports Illustrated to be here today, of almost sound mind and body.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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The Tigers beat the Astros, 7-4. Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images.

Javy Báez capped a five-run third inning with his ninth career grand slam, and the Detroit Tigers avoided a series sweep by beating the Houston Astros 7-4 on Wednesday.

Baez’s two-out homer off AJ Blubaugh (0-1), a 24-year-old right-hander making his major league debut, put the Tigers ahead 7-1. All five runs were unearned due to shortstop Jeremy Peña throwing error on Kerry Carpenter's grounder.

Riley Greene tied his career high with four hits.

Brenan Hanifee (2-0) pitched two scoreless innings in relief of Jackson Jobe, who allowed three runs, four hits and four walks in three innings. Detroit has won five of seven and nine of 13.

Blubaugh (0-1) struck out two in a 1-2-3 first and gave up seven runs — two earned — and five hits in four innings with six strikeouts and a walk.

Blubaugh was optioned back to Sugar Land after the game.

Peña hit the first career leadoff home run, the first of his three hits, but Colt Keith hit a two-run homer in the second to put Detroit ahead for good.

Jose Altuve hit a two-run double in the fifth and Victor Caratini homered in the seventh against Tyler Holton.

Holton struck out Yainer Diaz to strand two runners in the seventh and Tommy Kahnle struck out Christian Walker to leave two runners on in the eighth.

Houston went 2 for 10 with runners in scoring position and stranded 12 runners.

Key moment

Báez drove a high sweeper over the left-field scoreboard.

Key stat

Houston allowed five unearned runs in the third inning after giving up three in its first 29 games.

Up next

Astros: LHP Framber Valdez (1-3 4.00 ERA) opens a three-game series at the Chicago White Sox on Friday night.

Tigers: RHP Casey Mize (4-1 2.12 ERA) opens a four-game series against the Los Angeles Angels and LHP Yusei Kikuchi (0-4, 4.31) on Thursday night.

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