THE COUCH SLOUCH
Do you miss the sports world? Here are some futures wagers to keep you entertained
Mar 16, 2020, 6:55 am
Getty Images
Bye bye all American sports/
Drove my Chevy to the ballgame but it was out of sorts/
And those 'First Take' boys were talking madness in March/
Singing no Duke-Kansas say it's a lie/
That'll be the day that sports die
-- Don McLean's "American Pie II"
What do we do now?
Sports fans have put all their eggs in one basket for so long, they've tossed out every other basket in the house. So now, many of them, in the face of a deadly worldwide covid-19 pandemic, can only think, "Why does it all feel so empty?"
There's nothing left. I pride myself on keeping sports in perspective, yet on many nights I mindlessly graze from ESPN to FS1 to NBA TV to ESPN2 to NBCSN to Fox Sports West.
But this week?
I just saw Joe Lunardi on an L.A. exit ramp with a sign, "Will Bracketology for Food."
NBA, gone. NHL, gone. MLB, gone. Final Four, gone.
The one time I was going to turn to Major League Soccer? MLS, gone.
I always complain that sports occupy too big a presence in our lives, that our values are skewed and our priorities fouled up with the overemphasis on athletic glory. Yet I understand it is a companion for many, a constant entertainment-and-distraction option. It is an emotional crutch for millions, often the only beacon of light on an otherwise dark horizon.
I kind of miss it, too.
I clicked on the TV the other night and all I saw was a "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives" marathon.
So I clicked off the TV, closed my eyes and saw my entire adult life flash before me – wasted hours, lost promise, salsa stains on the couch.
Toni, a.k.a. She Is The One (and Then Some), looked at me and said, "Let's talk."
Let's talk? What is she, nuts? We've only survived 12½ of years of marriage by not talking. Every time I open my mouth, it's an oral apocalypse; I haven't said the right thing since stammering out, "I do." The less I speak, the better – this is a family consensus.
In silence, I realized that all of Sports Nation is in dire straits.
I feel particularly bad for many wagering acquaintances – they wake up each day expecting to make a sports bet.
I once had the same affliction: Years ago, I played in a Washington, D.C., underground poker game in which a couple of players were cheating as partners, the dealer was in cahoots with another regular and I would lose virtually every week. Why did I keep going back? It was the only game in town. And, like my current-day gambling buddies, I needed the action.
Anyway, sports books and bookies are not going to curl up and close shop; they have BMWs to pay for. So while you cannot get down on Lakers-Jazz tonight – all of 2020 is gone, my friends – you can still make "futures" wagers, and even though I generally discourage sports betting, I am here to pick up our spirits and hand out a few smart, wet-your-whistle selections:
* 2021 NFL season. Take Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to make the playoffs. You can get 14-to-1 on that right now; it's a bargain.
* 2024 Summer Olympics. Japanese men's gymnast Takeru Kitazono is a marvel – a stone-cold immortal lock to take the gold in the parallel bars. In fact, he's such a gifted athlete, I'd bet on Kitazono on any event he enters in the 2026 Winter Olympics.
* 2028 NBA championship. The Philadelphia 76ers. Yes, the Philadelphia 76ers. They will ask you to Trust The Process ITAL again, END ITAL and this time The Process will work.
* 2032 presidential election. Donald Trump Jr. as the Republican nominee, at 12-1, is like FREE MONEY.
And, finally, let me leave you with a three-team teaser parlay:
I am betting there will be NO horse racing, NO cash transactions and NO Starbucks anywhere in America in 2050.
When I cash that ticket, I will drive my electric car to Sizzler!
Ask the Slouch
Q. With MLB on hiatus, Cincinnati Reds pitchers Trevor Bauer and David Carpenter are trying to organize a sandlot baseball game in Arizona. Doesn't this still go against the notion of proper social distancing? (John Hadler; Portland, Ore.)
A. Bases are 90 feet apart, no?
Q.If Iona is under quarantine for the coronavirus, how can Rick Pitino bring in escorts for his basketball recruits? (Mark Nelson; Vienna, Va.)
A. With all of intercollegiate athletics shut down, somehow it seems like the perfect time for Pitino to return to coaching.
Q.If Wrestlemania 36 is finally canceled, would that be the definition of "fake news"? (Alan Klein; Potomac, Md.)
A. I think the more polite term here is "scripted news."
Q.In a world that suddenly isn't funny, are you about to become king? (Mark Cohen; Gibsonia, Pa.)
A. As a lifelong pauper, I'd be pleased enough to become prince.
Q.Is it true that Daniel Snyder and James Dolan are leading the U.S. government efforts to reduce large public gatherings at sports stadiums? (Terry Golden; Vienna, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
Most Popular
SportsMap Emails
Are Awesome
Listen Live
How Astros’ newest additions stole the spotlight against New York
Feb 25, 2025, 4:58 pm
Former major-leaguers are rising to prominent front office roles throughout MLB. Composite Getty Image.
Shortly after his playing career ended, Jerry Dipoto took in a game at Wrigley Field with former big league manager Jim Fregosi. After a particularly nasty strikeout by Eric Gagne, Dipoto laughed.
Fregosi promptly slapped Dipoto on the back of his head.
“He said, ‘I’m just going to remind you today. ... Don’t ever forget how hard that it is to play,’” Dipoto recalled. “And that’s what I think is the thing I remember most, and I think the benefit of the guys who have gone through it, is that they recognize that it is a really hard game.”
That lesson stayed with Dipoto as he made his way to his current job with the Seattle Mariners — and membership in an exclusive club. Dipoto is one of five former major leaguers serving as the top baseball executive for a big league franchise at the moment.
Dipoto, 56, has been the president of baseball operations for Seattle since Sept. 1, 2021. Like Dipoto, Chris Young, 45, was promoted from general manager to president of baseball operations for the Texas Rangers on Sept. 13. Craig Breslow was hired as the chief baseball officer for the Boston Red Sox on Oct. 25, 2023, and Chris Getz was promoted to GM of the Chicago White Sox on Aug. 31, 2023.
Buster Posey, 37, joined the list when the former All-Star catcher was hired as president of baseball operations for the San Francisco Giants in September.
“There are a ton of incredibly successful executives who didn’t play baseball,” said Breslow, 44. “I don’t think it’s a prerequisite, but I do think it provides a level of credibility and empathy given I’ve kind of been on every side of a transaction, or every side of a conversation I’ve had to have with a player or coach. And credibility in terms of really being able to understand what players are thinking about, what they’re going through.”
Under Breslow's leadership, Boston used a complicated contract structure to add Alex Bregman in free agency. Bregman also was being pursued by the Cubs and Tigers before he agreed to a $120 million, three-year deal with the Red Sox.
San Francisco had been struggling to land a major free agent before shortstop Willy Adames agreed to a $182 million, seven-year contract with the Giants in December. Adames said Posey played a major role in his decision.
“My meeting with the team, it was me and him, basically. No agent. Nobody,” Adames said. “So we had a really, really good conversation, and I bought into his plan for this organization, for what he wants to build here in the near future.”
Breslow has a degree from Yale and Young graduated from Princeton, so the five players in charge of major league teams doesn't exactly represent some sort of counterrevolution when it comes to Ivy League grads in baseball.
But today's major-leaguers are increasingly savvy when it comes to the business side of the game, and they have firsthand experience with the data used by front offices as part of their decision-making process.
“Where we were a decade ago to where we are now, there's just so much opportunity to make better decisions nowadays based on the information that we have,” said Getz, 41. “But being well-versed in it now, you know having a former playing background is only going to position you, your résumé is just stronger.”
While that big league career is an asset in a variety of ways, it also creates a unique set of blind spots. Building out a front office that complements one another is key, Dipoto said.
“I learned to adapt along the way to things I didn’t know and to trust people who are smarter than I am to fill in those gaps,” he said, “and to recognize when I’m allowing my want to be a good teammate and my want to love the good teammate, sometimes, you have be able to discern when that doesn’t equal best player fit for this situation.”
There are several more people in position to join the club one day. Brandon Gomes helped the Los Angeles Dodgers win the World Series last year, serving as the team's GM under Andrew Friedman. Ryan Garko was promoted to assistant GM with the Detroit Tigers in May. Cole Figueroa is an assistant GM for the Rangers.
Kevin Reese and Tim Naehring work for longtime New York Yankees general manager Brian Cashman, and Josh Barfield is part of Getz's front office with the White Sox.
When it comes to his discussions with players interested in working in baseball operations, Breslow said the conversations provide an indication of the potential for success.
“It becomes pretty clear, generally who has the curiosity, who asks a lot of questions,” he said. "Who wants to learn why we make decisions not just what decisions are being made. Those are the people (that could make the transition).”