THE COUCH SLOUCH
Do you miss the sports world? Here are some futures wagers to keep you entertained
Mar 16, 2020, 6:55 am
Getty Images
Bye bye all American sports/
Drove my Chevy to the ballgame but it was out of sorts/
And those 'First Take' boys were talking madness in March/
Singing no Duke-Kansas say it's a lie/
That'll be the day that sports die
-- Don McLean's "American Pie II"
What do we do now?
Sports fans have put all their eggs in one basket for so long, they've tossed out every other basket in the house. So now, many of them, in the face of a deadly worldwide covid-19 pandemic, can only think, "Why does it all feel so empty?"
There's nothing left. I pride myself on keeping sports in perspective, yet on many nights I mindlessly graze from ESPN to FS1 to NBA TV to ESPN2 to NBCSN to Fox Sports West.
But this week?
I just saw Joe Lunardi on an L.A. exit ramp with a sign, "Will Bracketology for Food."
NBA, gone. NHL, gone. MLB, gone. Final Four, gone.
The one time I was going to turn to Major League Soccer? MLS, gone.
I always complain that sports occupy too big a presence in our lives, that our values are skewed and our priorities fouled up with the overemphasis on athletic glory. Yet I understand it is a companion for many, a constant entertainment-and-distraction option. It is an emotional crutch for millions, often the only beacon of light on an otherwise dark horizon.
I kind of miss it, too.
I clicked on the TV the other night and all I saw was a "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives" marathon.
So I clicked off the TV, closed my eyes and saw my entire adult life flash before me – wasted hours, lost promise, salsa stains on the couch.
Toni, a.k.a. She Is The One (and Then Some), looked at me and said, "Let's talk."
Let's talk? What is she, nuts? We've only survived 12½ of years of marriage by not talking. Every time I open my mouth, it's an oral apocalypse; I haven't said the right thing since stammering out, "I do." The less I speak, the better – this is a family consensus.
In silence, I realized that all of Sports Nation is in dire straits.
I feel particularly bad for many wagering acquaintances – they wake up each day expecting to make a sports bet.
I once had the same affliction: Years ago, I played in a Washington, D.C., underground poker game in which a couple of players were cheating as partners, the dealer was in cahoots with another regular and I would lose virtually every week. Why did I keep going back? It was the only game in town. And, like my current-day gambling buddies, I needed the action.
Anyway, sports books and bookies are not going to curl up and close shop; they have BMWs to pay for. So while you cannot get down on Lakers-Jazz tonight – all of 2020 is gone, my friends – you can still make "futures" wagers, and even though I generally discourage sports betting, I am here to pick up our spirits and hand out a few smart, wet-your-whistle selections:
* 2021 NFL season. Take Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to make the playoffs. You can get 14-to-1 on that right now; it's a bargain.
* 2024 Summer Olympics. Japanese men's gymnast Takeru Kitazono is a marvel – a stone-cold immortal lock to take the gold in the parallel bars. In fact, he's such a gifted athlete, I'd bet on Kitazono on any event he enters in the 2026 Winter Olympics.
* 2028 NBA championship. The Philadelphia 76ers. Yes, the Philadelphia 76ers. They will ask you to Trust The Process ITAL again, END ITAL and this time The Process will work.
* 2032 presidential election. Donald Trump Jr. as the Republican nominee, at 12-1, is like FREE MONEY.
And, finally, let me leave you with a three-team teaser parlay:
I am betting there will be NO horse racing, NO cash transactions and NO Starbucks anywhere in America in 2050.
When I cash that ticket, I will drive my electric car to Sizzler!
Ask the Slouch
Q. With MLB on hiatus, Cincinnati Reds pitchers Trevor Bauer and David Carpenter are trying to organize a sandlot baseball game in Arizona. Doesn't this still go against the notion of proper social distancing? (John Hadler; Portland, Ore.)
A. Bases are 90 feet apart, no?
Q. If Iona is under quarantine for the coronavirus, how can Rick Pitino bring in escorts for his basketball recruits? (Mark Nelson; Vienna, Va.)
A. With all of intercollegiate athletics shut down, somehow it seems like the perfect time for Pitino to return to coaching.
Q. If Wrestlemania 36 is finally canceled, would that be the definition of "fake news"? (Alan Klein; Potomac, Md.)
A. I think the more polite term here is "scripted news."
Q. In a world that suddenly isn't funny, are you about to become king? (Mark Cohen; Gibsonia, Pa.)
A. As a lifelong pauper, I'd be pleased enough to become prince.
Q. Is it true that Daniel Snyder and James Dolan are leading the U.S. government efforts to reduce large public gatherings at sports stadiums? (Terry Golden; Vienna, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
Most Popular
SportsMap Emails
Are Awesome
Listen Live
Winning consecutive series over last place teams does not mean all is well again in Astroworld, but taking five of seven games from the Orioles and Rockies stopped the bleeding which saw the Astros stumble through an awful 14-23 stretch. The regular season is now in its final month, the Astros are in the middle of three different playoff races. The high-end goal is finishing with one of the two best records in the American League to secure a bye past the two out of three lightning round Major League Baseball calls the Wild Card Series. Entering the holiday weekend the Astros sit four games behind the Toronto Blue Jays, three and a half back of the Detroit Tigers. If the Astros can’t overtake either the Jays or Tigers, they at least want to hold off Seattle to win the American League West. Winning the division for an eighth consecutive full season would be its own accomplishment, for the postseason it would at least assure the Astros of homefield advantage in a best-of-three. The race the Astros hope to need to pay little attention to is holding off Kansas City for the final wild card spot. That would be necessary should the Astros lose out on the division title to the Mariners, and finish behind both the second and third place finishers in the AL East in the wild card race, presently the Red Sox and Yankees. The M’s, Bosox, and Yanks all finishing ahead of the Astros is a clear possibility. The good news on that front is the Astros holding a five game lead over the Royals with 28 games to go, though Kansas City does win the tiebreaker should it come to that. The Astros have a significantly easier closing schedule than do the Royals. The Astros have just six games left against teams that would currently qualify for the postseason. The Royals have 12. So to miss the playoffs entirely the Astros basically have to fold, and/or the Royals need to play four weeks of spectacular baseball.
Yordan Alvarez’s looooong awaited return is a big boost to the lineup. Even if he isn't peak Yordan, his presence matters. His missile of a home run to centerfield was the wow moment of his return series, but Alvarez drawing five walks in nine plate appearances speaks to what opponents think of him. Still, offense remains an Astro struggle all too often. The Rockies have the worst pitching staff in MLB. The Astros managed nine runs in three games against it. At least that was enough to win two out of three. 67 times this season the Astros have scored three or fewer runs, equaling their three or fewer total of the entire 2024 season. For a good while this year the Astros were winning an amazing percentage of their games where the offense did little. At one point the Astros were 19-27 when scoring three or fewer, which was stunning success and as I wrote at the time, wholly unsustainable. Since then, the Astros have lost 20 of the last 21 games in which they failed to score four.
Christian Walker’s power surge has been a boon, of late helping offset Jose Altuve’s slump (just 10 hits in his last 60 at bats heading into the Angels series) and Carlos Correa’s lack of thump (just two extra base hits and a sub-.700 OPS over his last 15 games). Over 46 games played from July 1 through Thursday, Walker has been very good hitting .279 with an .859 OPS. That doesn't undo his being wretched through June, but credit where credit is due.
Alvarez is the big bopper (remember the ex-Astro who had that nickname?) addition to Joe Espada's lineup cards, but Jake Meyers could be a lower key big return as well next week. To call Chas McCormick and Jacob Melton poor offensive players this season would be an understatement along the lines of saying Yao Ming is above average in height. When Meyers blew out his right calf it short-circuited what was his breakout big league season. Even if Meyers can't regain that form, by accident he'll still be better than what McCormick and Melton have provided.
After finishing up with the Angels on Labor Day, the Astros get the Yankees for three big games at Daikin Park starting Tuesday. Hunter Brown starting Sunday means he will not pitch against the Yankees. That's not a mistake, it's just how the rotation falls. It will be a mistake if the Astros' brain trust doesn't properly map out starting pitching ahead of the massive matchups against the Mariners September 19, 20, 21 and make sure both Brown and Framber Valdez start games in that series. After this homestand wraps, the Astro have only six home games remaining versus 15 on the road.
Oh yeah. Glenn Davis was "The Big Bopper."
For Astro-centric conversation, join Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and me for the Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast which drops each Monday afternoon, with an additional episode now on Thursday. Click here to catch!
_____________________________________________
*Looking to get the word out about your business, products, or services? Consider advertising on SportsMap! It's a great way to get in front of Houston sports fans. Click the link below for more information!