The Couch Slouch

If an XFL tree falls in the forest...

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The XFL is back. Ask not why but why NOW?

The reboot of the XFL just debuted – the weekend after the Super Bowl. That's like having a sewerage commission election the Tuesday after the presidential election.

They start playing XFL games on the heels of the NFL's grandest game?

That's like going to Paris, Texas right after going to Paris, France.

That's like ordering a New York strip at Sizzler right after ordering the porterhouse at Peter Luger.

That's like visiting the border wall right after visiting the Great Wall of China.

That's like watching 17 years of Jimmy Kimmel right after watching 17 years of Johnny Carson.

(I'll stop now because I think you all get the point and, frankly, I'm even starting to annoy myself.)

How badly do you need to see more football six or seven days after the Kansas City Chiefs rallied to beat the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl 54?

And when I say "more football," I mean the XFL, where the 'X' stands for Xtraneous, Xcessive, Xasperating, Xpendable and inXplicable.

We don't need more football.

We certainly don't need year-round football; we don't need year-round anything.

I mean, I'm a big fan of food detox, but there is a big difference between a 14-day cleanse and, say, a 365-day cleanse. Trust me, you'd be cleansed out before the 365-day mark.

The XFL, which fabulously failed during its one-season incarnation in 2001, has returned to prove again that few people want to watch more pro football after the NFL signs off for six months.

The expression is "March showers bring April flowers," not "XFL passes bring spring masses."

Nobody is thinking about RPOs in March and April. It would be as if pro hockey – training camp to Stanley Cup finals – decided to consume 10 months of the calendar.

(Editor's Note: Actually, the NHL already does this. We would have deleted the previous paragraph, but Mr. Chad is contractually obligated to provide us 800 words per week.)

The new XFL consists of eight teams – in seven NFL cities, plus St. Louis -- playing a 10-game schedule.

Out of professional responsibility to Sports Nation, I decided to take in the XFL's opening day. On ABC, it was the Seattle Dragons at the DC Defenders; on Fox, it was my Los Angeles Wildcats – I'm thinking about season tickets, but I figure I can find cheap seats on the secondary market – at the Houston Roughnecks.

This is what I saw and heard:

-- ABC's excitable Steve Levy: "The first carry – everything's a first!"

-- Analyst Greg McElroy: "If you look at Ja'Quan Gardner…probably not a name you recognize." Uh, you think?

-- McElroy was intent on emphasizing that these players were THIS CLOSE to being in the NFL, much as I am THIS CLOSE to writing for the New York Times.

-- With 11:25 left in the first quarter, the crowd chanted, "MVP! MVP!" for Defenders quarterback Cardale Jones. Now, that's funny.

-- Defenders fans, thinking they were at a R*dsk*ns game, started booing the home team early in the second quarter.

-- Fox analyst Joel Klatt never stopped talking. He's still talking right now as you read this.

-- We got to hear the coach or offensive coordinator calling the plays from the sideline, which captivated me almost as much as hearing the pimply kid shout out my order at Wienerschnitzel.

(Memo to the Houston Astros: In the XFL, you don't need to steal signs, you can just listen to the other coach telling you the next play on live TV.)

Anyway, the football was entertaining and many XFL rules changes will be keepers. But for all the bells and whistles, it doesn't alter the inescapable fact that we are not pining for more football the next 75 days.

The XFL is the proverbial tree falling in the forest that no one hears, so does it make a sound?

In this respect, it resembles most Couch Slouch columns – exquisitely written, extraordinarily unread.

Ask the Slouch

Q. Did someone forget to tell Joel Embiid that the Philadelphia 76ers aren't tanking anymore? (Dan Cantwell; Albany, N.Y.)

A. Speaking of which, I guess The Process is complete – the 76ers are now trading away draft picks.

Q. With Bob Knight ending his 20-year split with Indiana, did that give you any thoughts about your first marriage? (Ken Ryan; Huntsville, Ala.)

A. I would have to violate a court order.

Q. Shouldn't fellow Vienna, Va., resident Terry Golden get a bonus – say, an extra 50 cents – for having the most questions answered in your column? (Jan-Peter Ozga, Vienna, Va.)

A. Listen, pal, Mr. Golden has built an addition to his home off of Ask The Slouch winnings.

You want me to INCREASE his windfall? You send him the extra half-buck and I'll sign the card.

Q. Is it true that the NFL will be using the Iowa caucus app to speed up the replay process? (Terry Golden; Vienna, Va.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!


Roughnecks on the road homecoming week

XFL Week 3 preview: Roughnecks at Vipers

Photo by Getty Images.

I would start with QB talk but similar to the NFL, the XFL lacks QBs in the city of Tampa. Taylor Cornelius and Quinton Flowers are the guys you may or… well, probably may NOT want to pull up film on. Highlights? Cornelius threw a PICK… Not a TD on his last play of their game. That a boy!

Run Game: Yeah, kind of. Better than week one.

Summary: The Vipers have managed to put up nine more points than the LA Rams did in the Super Bowl. If you're not good at math, that's a total of 12 points on the season. This team has really struggled to get the offense rolling. Meanwhile, the Houston Roughnecks defense ranks second just behind the DC Defenders.

In his first two games, PJ Walker is 43 of 69 passing for 442 yards. He leads the league with seven touchdowns and only one interception.

Tampa's defense allowed the NY Guardians to put up 23 points in week 1 and Seattle 17 last week. In my opinion, those are two of the more weak teams. Are you getting what I'm throwing out here?

Someone referred to the Vipers as being the team you play during homecoming week in school. I'd say I have to agree. Houston fans sit back and get ready. I expect a huge game from the Roughnecks this week.

Basically, the only entertainment you'll get out of Tampa will be found on CultureMap where I'm sure our dear friend Eric Sandler has a great list of food spots to try!

Tune into ABC at 1 p.m. this Saturday to support your Houston Roughnecks during their on the road "home coming week" against the Tampa Bay Vipers.

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