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Ken Hoffman's all-day TV diet during coronavirus

Ken Hoffman's all-day TV diet during coronavirus
Will this be the last season of Curb Your Enthusiasm? Our columnist hopes so. Photo by John P. Johnson/HBO

This article originally appeared on CultureMap.

My career, this long hard climb from the bottom to the middle, has come full circle. My first job in Houston was TV-radio columnist for the now-gone Houston Post. All day long, I watched TV. All night, too. I was dedicated.

Now, with the coronavirus outbreak, I'm stuck at home and back to watching TV all day and night. I am bored.

My second day on the job as TV columnist at the Post, I made a mistake and referred to KPRC, the NBC affiliate here, as KPNX, the NBC affiliate in Phoenix, my newspaper stop before Houston. Simple mistake, but still embarrassing. One of the sports anchors at KPRC sent me an insulting welcome note, saying I'll never last in Houston making dumb mistakes like that. Just for the record, I'm still here. He's long gone.

The TV diet

For the past month, I've been hitting TV extra hard. My viewing habits have changed a lot since then, though. "Must-See Thursday" has become "I'll Watch Thursday On DVR When I Get Around To It."

I'm getting up pretty early, since the social distancing order came down. Early on, I started my day with our local stations' 4, 5, 6-hour morning newscasts. I never realized how many car crashes there are in Houston. The hosts are much happier, and less groggier, than I am. They're so wired and giddy, it might be time for them to pee in a Dixie cup.

I used to be a news junkie — CNN was my go-to channel. I can't watch the news anymore. All I hear is coronavirus bad news. All I see is my life's saving circle the drain. Even the five minutes of sports on the 10 o'clock news is awful because there's nothing to report.

They say that you can have 150 stations on your cable package, and you'll watch only five regularly. Mine used to be news-news-sports-sports-HBO. Now my fab five are Netflix-food-comedy-Amazon-HBO. And I'm getting ready to drop HBO because a certain show has said goodbye.

I watch the press conferences starring Harris County Judge Lina Hidalgo and Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner. Don't you get the feeling that they have no use for each other? I happen to think they're both doing a competent job. It's just a personality and ego clash between them.

Curb to the curb?

Most depressing of all: Curb Your Enthusiasm, my favorite show ever, aired its 10th and final episode of the season on HBO last Sunday night. From the way Larry David tied up all the loose strings, I'm scared Curb is never coming back. Modern Family, another favorite, is winding down its last season, but this has been a lame farewell season. It's gone from wild comedy to sappy comedy. Sappy isn't funny. While Curb had a huge season, Modern Family should have stopped the show two years ago.

I'm down to watching The Office reruns and old Twilight Zone episodes on Netflix and WWE wrestling on USA and Fox. I'm listening to sports talk radio because I like hearing the hosts scramble for something, anything to talk about. I'm tuning in podcasts like Jim Cornette's Drive-thru, the Jim Cornette Experience and Something About the Beatles. I like Josh Innes' podcast. I get into bed around midnight, hit Youtube and the next time I check what time it is, it's 5 am.

I'm addicted to those videos where people sucker police into confrontations, and then throw the First Amendment at the officers. They goad the officers by taking video of federal buildings and security-sensitive property from the sidewalk, where the Supreme Court says it's okay. Most of the time, the police back off, but occasionally the agitator gets cuffed, stuffed and hauled off in the back of a cop car. There are hundreds of these videos and I never get tired of them.

Sold on shopping channels
I love the home shopping channels, but only if they're demonstrating products like vacuum cleaners and blenders, or selling food like Corky's BBQ or frozen croissants from France. The guy from Corky's has an annoying habit of brushing sauce all over his hands. I can't watch if they're hawking clothes or cosmetics on home shopping. Big fan of In the Kitchen with David on QVC. When David Venable digs into a plate of macaroni and cheese, porn stars could learn from his facial expressions.

I watch old reruns of Pawn Stars. A couple of things: they need to clean their nasty fingernails, all of the guys. I've seen car mechanics with cleaner hands. And the Old Man is not crusty but lovable. He's just a mean old man. Kids, don't hit your ball into his yard — you'll never get it back. I don't have to DVR Impractical Jokers, because it's on 24-hours on TruTV and Channel 57 and Channel 2.

Continue on CultureMap for Ken's thoughts on the non-sporting life.

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The Texans are the class of the division. Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images.

The Houston Texans received a lot of praise for their moves in free agency across various outlets. And for good reason, most people believe the team got significantly better with the additions of Danielle Hunter, Azeez Al-Shaair, and Denico Autry among others.

But there's another factor to consider this offseason. How much have the other teams in the AFC South improved?

When looking at the PFF grades in free agency, the Colts received a B-minus. Most of the Colts moves this offseason involved spending a lot of money re-signing their own players. Which is great in theory, but it's hard to improve the overall quality of your roster when you're bringing back players that were already there to begin with. A lot will be riding on player development for the Colts to see a big jump this season. A healthy quarterback wouldn't hurt either.

The Jaguars have made some big additions financially this offseason by signing receiver Gabe Davis and defensive tackle Arik Armstead. They also lost the top receiver on the market, Calvin Ridley, to the Titans. Gabe Davis wasn't able to establish himself as a reliable No. 2 receiver with Josh Allen throwing him the ball in Buffalo. So it's hard to believe he'll take the next step in Jacksonville. Their best move of the offseason might have been retaining edge rusher Josh Allen by using the franchise tag on him. So what did PFF think of Jacksonville's offseason? They received a B-minus, just like the Colts.

The Titans have a lot of turnover heading into the 2024 season, and not just on the roster. They have a new head coach in Brian Callahan, who's looking to revamp Tennessee's offense. Early in free agency, they agreed to terms with former Cowboys running back Tony Pollard, signing him to a 3-year deal at $8 million per season. Which is more money than the Ravens are paying for Derrick Henry, who left the Titans in free agency. Calvin Ridley was the most notable addition to the squad, he received a 4-year, $92 million deal. And while this could be viewed as an overpay, at least he gives the Titans' offense some upside. Their receiving corps looks a lot more dangerous with Ridley added to DeAndre Hopkins and Treylon Burks.

They also spent big at the center position, adding Lloyd Cushenberry on a 4-year, $50 million contract.

Because the Titans spent a lot of money on some highly coveted players, PFF gave them a B.

Now that brings us to the Texans. The Texans re-signed some of their own players like Dalton Schultz and Noah Brown. But they also made some big splashes with Hunter, Autry, Al-Shaair, and Joe Mixon. But the Texans spent their money in a more conservative way by not handing out many contracts over two years in length.

The Texans managed to add the best pass rusher in free agency with Hunter, but it's only a two-year deal. The overall talent level is going up on this roster, and GM Nick Caserio isn't having to sign players to long contracts that could come back and haunt him.

That's why we're seeing post-free agency power rankings coming out with Houston in the Top 10. And that's also why PFF gave the Texans an A for their moves in free agency.

Be sure to check out the video above as Craig from Sports Talk Extra takes an in-depth look at PFF's grades for the AFC South, and much more!

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