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Ken Hoffman's all-day TV diet during coronavirus

Ken Hoffman's all-day TV diet during coronavirus
Will this be the last season of Curb Your Enthusiasm? Our columnist hopes so. Photo by John P. Johnson/HBO

This article originally appeared on CultureMap.

My career, this long hard climb from the bottom to the middle, has come full circle. My first job in Houston was TV-radio columnist for the now-gone Houston Post. All day long, I watched TV. All night, too. I was dedicated.

Now, with the coronavirus outbreak, I'm stuck at home and back to watching TV all day and night. I am bored.

My second day on the job as TV columnist at the Post, I made a mistake and referred to KPRC, the NBC affiliate here, as KPNX, the NBC affiliate in Phoenix, my newspaper stop before Houston. Simple mistake, but still embarrassing. One of the sports anchors at KPRC sent me an insulting welcome note, saying I'll never last in Houston making dumb mistakes like that. Just for the record, I'm still here. He's long gone.

The TV diet

For the past month, I've been hitting TV extra hard. My viewing habits have changed a lot since then, though. "Must-See Thursday" has become "I'll Watch Thursday On DVR When I Get Around To It."

I'm getting up pretty early, since the social distancing order came down. Early on, I started my day with our local stations' 4, 5, 6-hour morning newscasts. I never realized how many car crashes there are in Houston. The hosts are much happier, and less groggier, than I am. They're so wired and giddy, it might be time for them to pee in a Dixie cup.

I used to be a news junkie — CNN was my go-to channel. I can't watch the news anymore. All I hear is coronavirus bad news. All I see is my life's saving circle the drain. Even the five minutes of sports on the 10 o'clock news is awful because there's nothing to report.

They say that you can have 150 stations on your cable package, and you'll watch only five regularly. Mine used to be news-news-sports-sports-HBO. Now my fab five are Netflix-food-comedy-Amazon-HBO. And I'm getting ready to drop HBO because a certain show has said goodbye.

I watch the press conferences starring Harris County Judge Lina Hidalgo and Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner. Don't you get the feeling that they have no use for each other? I happen to think they're both doing a competent job. It's just a personality and ego clash between them.

Curb to the curb?

Most depressing of all: Curb Your Enthusiasm, my favorite show ever, aired its 10th and final episode of the season on HBO last Sunday night. From the way Larry David tied up all the loose strings, I'm scared Curb is never coming back. Modern Family, another favorite, is winding down its last season, but this has been a lame farewell season. It's gone from wild comedy to sappy comedy. Sappy isn't funny. While Curb had a huge season, Modern Family should have stopped the show two years ago.

I'm down to watching The Office reruns and old Twilight Zone episodes on Netflix and WWE wrestling on USA and Fox. I'm listening to sports talk radio because I like hearing the hosts scramble for something, anything to talk about. I'm tuning in podcasts like Jim Cornette's Drive-thru, the Jim Cornette Experience and Something About the Beatles. I like Josh Innes' podcast. I get into bed around midnight, hit Youtube and the next time I check what time it is, it's 5 am.

I'm addicted to those videos where people sucker police into confrontations, and then throw the First Amendment at the officers. They goad the officers by taking video of federal buildings and security-sensitive property from the sidewalk, where the Supreme Court says it's okay. Most of the time, the police back off, but occasionally the agitator gets cuffed, stuffed and hauled off in the back of a cop car. There are hundreds of these videos and I never get tired of them.

Sold on shopping channels
I love the home shopping channels, but only if they're demonstrating products like vacuum cleaners and blenders, or selling food like Corky's BBQ or frozen croissants from France. The guy from Corky's has an annoying habit of brushing sauce all over his hands. I can't watch if they're hawking clothes or cosmetics on home shopping. Big fan of In the Kitchen with David on QVC. When David Venable digs into a plate of macaroni and cheese, porn stars could learn from his facial expressions.

I watch old reruns of Pawn Stars. A couple of things: they need to clean their nasty fingernails, all of the guys. I've seen car mechanics with cleaner hands. And the Old Man is not crusty but lovable. He's just a mean old man. Kids, don't hit your ball into his yard — you'll never get it back. I don't have to DVR Impractical Jokers, because it's on 24-hours on TruTV and Channel 57 and Channel 2.

Continue on CultureMap for Ken's thoughts on the non-sporting life.

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Can the Texans protect CJ Stroud from the Titans' beefy defensive line? Photo by Sam Hodde/Getty Images.

While wondering what songs Beyoncé packs into a 12-minute Christmas day set at halftime of Texans-Ravens...

A National Football League team couldn't ask for a much easier three game stretch right now than playing the Dallas Cowboys, Tennessee Titans, and Jacksonville Jaguars. Well, the Texans clobbered the Cowboys Monday night, should toss the Titans Sunday, then should have a jolly time in Jacksonville next Sunday. This is not assuming victories, but the Texans definitely should boost their record to 9-4 heading into their open week (it's NOT a bye!).

We're not yet to Thanksgiving and the Texans this Sunday can formalize the inevitable: Again this season the Tennessee Titans will not have a better record than the Texans. The 7-4 Texans should feast at the 2-8 Titans' expense at NRG Stadium. The Titans' last four losses have all come by at least 10 points. For information purposes only, the Texans should make it five.

The Titans' biggest strength does go up against the Texans' biggest area of concern. That means the Titans' interior defensive line vs. the Texans' interior offensive line. Jeffery Simmons is an elite defensive tackle and second round rookie DT T'Vondre Sweat out of the University of Texas is 350+ pounds of good. Juice Scruggs, Jarrett Patterson, and Shaq Mason will have their hands full---hopefully not of Simmons's and Sweat's jerseys. Hopefully not hands caught anyway. There might not be a lot of good inside running opportunities for Joe Mixon, but he has been fabulous at making more out of not much. Mixon has had at least 20 carries in five straight games. It would behoove the Texans to lighten Mixon's workload with a couple earlier blowouts of grossly inferior opponents.

The Simmons/Sweat tandem is pretty much the only thing the Titans have in their favor. Despite that duo doing work inside, the Titans have mustered just 20 sacks because they have no pass rusher in Danielle Hunter and Will Anderson's league. In what is an eyebrow-raising and deceptive stat, the Titans are giving up the second fewest yards per game in the NFL this season. The Texans rank a strong number four (the Philadelphia Eagles are number one). But the Titans have just seven takeaways in 10 games. The Texans have 20. Amazingly, no Tennessee cornerback has an interception this season. Safety Amani Hooker has all three of their picks. Only the also lousy Las Vegas Raiders have a worse turnover margin than the Titans' minus-11 (the Raiders are minus-15). The Texans are plus-eight.

The Titans' offense is much worse than the defense. The Titans' paltry 17 points scored per game ranks fifth worst in the league. Only twice in their 10 games have they topped 17 points, the only time in their last six games took overtime in a 20-17 win over the Patriots. First year head coach Brian Callahan was hired away from Cincinnati as an “offensive guy” after five seasons as the Bengals' offensive coordinator. Callahan sure looked smarter with Joe Burrow as his quarterback and Ja'Marr Chase as his top wide receiver than he has with Will Levis and Calvin Ridley in those roles. In his second-season without much around him, Levis is not hopeless at QB, but definitely has not given strong evidence that he is “the guy.”

Turn back the clock

There aren't all that many people left who still despise the Titans as the franchise that left Houston for Nashville. We're approaching 28 years since the Houston Oilers played their final game. Still, for those with longstanding animosity, and/or for those who like seeing a divisional foe stink, these are good times. In the spirit of next week's holiday, the Titans are a big turkey ready to be basted.

Just three seasons ago Mike Vrabel was coaching the Titans to a 12-5 record, their second straight AFC South crown, and the top seed in the AFC playoffs. That same 2021 season Texans' fans endured David Culley as head coach of a 4-13 debacle. Given the current state of the franchises, it feels more like 10 years ago. Let's go back a bit more than a decade...

"On paper" is never a guarantee, but Texans-Titans "on paper" this week is about as fair a fight as Andre Johnson vs. Cortland Finnegan in 2010:

If you're wondering, no, Finnegan is not in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. But let's be fair, he had a good career, highlighted by a first team All-Pro selection for the 2008 season (his only Pro Bowl season).


For Texans’ conversation, catch Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and me on our Texans On Tap podcasts. Thursdays feature a preview of the upcoming game, and then we go live (then available on demand) after the final gun of the game: Texans on Tap - YouTube

The Astros are always in season for discussion. Our Stone Cold ‘Stros podcasts drop Mondays: Click here to watch!

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