4th and a Mile with Paul Muth
That time I got punched in the face, and the top five Houston sports fights
Jan 23, 2020, 6:30 am
WWE's Royal Rumble arrives this Sunday at Minute Maid Park. Photo by Paul Muth
I'm not a big sign guy.
You know sign guys. The people who write puns on posters. The ones who carry the letter "D" in one had and a cutout of a literal fence in the other. The "Houston, YOU have a problem" sign guys.
I tried it once when I was 14, was punched in the face, and sort of lost my appetite after that.
Let me explain.
It was April 1, 2001. Wrestlemania 17. I won't ask my parents how much it cost them, but my aunt and uncle scored floor seats to the greatest spectacle in sports entertainment in no better confines than the Astrodome herself and I got to tag along.
It was a hell of a show. Some say it was one of the best Wrestlemanias ever. The card was stacked, including a Triple-H match against the hometown hero The Undertaker that set the stage for the main event.
At precisely two hours and forty-eight minutes into the event, Undertaker sent Triple-H flying over the barricade and "INTO THE STANDS!"
"Holy crap," 14-year-old Paul thought. "They're headed right down my aisle."
Now I'm not sure how it works these days, but back then it was totally customary to bail on your seat and follow the fight as they weaved up and down the aisles. I wasn't about to miss the chance so I grabbed my poorly scribbled wrestling poster, glanced back and my Aunt for the OK, then darted after the action.
The fight snaked its way up to some scaffolding with a camera perched atop. There, the fight would stall as they battled their way to the top. Oblivious to anything but the action in front of me, I threw my sign up as high as I could, probably screamed at the top of my lungs, and my voice probably cracked in the process. I was 14.
Suddenly someone pushed me in the back of my shoulder. I turned around and there was an old lady, maybe five feet tall, standing on her chair. She had the quintessential cowgirl big hair and enough costume jewelry on to short-circuit a metal detector.
"GET THE @#$% OUT THE WAY, BOY," she commanded in the most east Texas accent you've ever heard in your life. I ignored her and turned back around.
Then she pushed me again.
I turned around again and before I had any clue what was happening, this knockoff mini Dolly Parton had already connected a stiff left hook to my temple. She then grabbed my sign and ripped it in half. Stunned, I retreated to my seat while tending to a now bleeding eyebrow thanks to what I assume was a Wal-Mart engagement ring.
Haven't really been a big sign guy since.
But this weekend the WWE takes over Minute Maid Park for their annual Pay-Per-View event known as the Royal Rumble. It will be the first time since that fateful night in the Astrodome 19 years ago that I've returned to a high profile wrestling event.
Now am I looking forward to this weekend as an opportunity to retake the dignity that was ripped away so long ago? Probably not. I'll most likely just drink a bunch of beer and yell at wrestlers with my friends. But I'm not ruling anything out.
Now instead of a power rankings this week, I figured that in the spirit of the Royal Rumble we could rehash some of the best sports fights Houston's served up:
#5 Charles Barkley throws man through window
Now I know this one didn't happen on a court, but the story is just too good. In a classic case of "play stupid games, win stupid prizes," a 5'2" Floridian by the name of Jorge Lugo decided to harrass the 6'6" then-power forward for the Houston Rockets at an Orlando bar . Barkley ignored and avoided the issue until a Lugo-thrown glass intended for Barkley missed and struck a nearby woman. Bad move. When judge presiding over the ensuing case asked Barkley if he had any regrets, The Round Mound of Rebound replied "Yeah, I regret we weren't on a higher floor."
#4 Chris Paul serves a two-piece to Rajon Rondo
This one is actually fairly recent and adds to what I discovered was a hefty list of Rockets throw downs. After breaking up a stare down between Lakers forward Brandon Ingram and James Harden, Paul and Rondo began a heated chest-to-chest exchange. From all replay indications it appeared as if Rondo then spit on Paul, which triggered a disrespectful finger push to Rondo's face, which then descended into a good old fashioned knuckle sandwich exchange. Paul was suspended for two games.
#3 Derrick Lewis verifies amateur of amateur status
Some dude actually had the nerve to walk in to UFC Heavyweight fighter and Houston native Derrick Lewis' gym and pick a fight. The amateur claimed that he would knock Lewis out because he was an MMA fighter, and not a real boxer. "The Black Beast" was more than happy to oblige, and swiftly teleported the no name into the shadow realm.
#2 Vernon Maxwell fights Portland man
Sometimes people forget that sporting events are intended to be family friendly. Some also forget that players are people with actual feelings. Maxwell claims that aside from general harassment, a Portland fan decided to bring Maxwell's wife's recent miscarriage to light as well. Maxwell stood up from the bench, calmly walked up the stairs, and knocked the crap out of the dude. Maxwell was suspended 10 games.
#1 Andre Johnson baptizes Courtland Finnegan
It had been seasons in the making. Finnegan had built a reputation out of adding cheap shots here and there, ripping helmets off at the end of plays, and various other dirty tactics. In late November of 2010 Johnson had reached the end of his rope. Schadenfreude was the flavor of the day for all Texans fans as Johnson manhandled Finnegan, reigning down fists of righteous justice.
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Houston Rockets (52-27) at Los Angeles Clippers (46-32)
Wednesday, 10:30 p.m. EDT | Inglewood, CA
Line: Clippers -6.5 | O/U: 219
The Houston Rockets head west to face the Los Angeles Clippers in a high-stakes Western Conference matchup between two teams hitting their stride at the right time.
What’s at stake:
With both teams locked into the top half of the playoff picture, Wednesday’s showdown could carry big implications for seeding. The Rockets have won eight of their last 10, surging into second place in the West. The Clippers, winners of five straight, are looking to secure home-court advantage in the first round.
Team comparisons:
Houston enters with a 31-18 mark against the Western Conference and has leaned on defense and rebounding, ranking fifth in the league in defensive boards per game (34.0), thanks largely to Alperen Sengun.
The Clippers, meanwhile, are 26-23 within the conference and have outscored opponents by 4.5 points per game on the season. They're averaging 112.6 points this season. And shooting a strong 50.9% from the field over their last 10 games.
Key players to watch:
- Rockets: Jalen Green continues to lead the scoring charge, averaging 23.4 points over his last 10 games. Sengun, who is day-to-day with a back issue, remains central to Houston’s identity with 19.2 points and 10.4 rebounds per game.
- Clippers: Ivica Zubac has been a steady force inside with 16.5 points and 12.5 rebounds per game, while Kawhi Leonard (20.4 points over the last 10) remains a game-time decision due to rest.
By the numbers:
- Both teams are red-hot offensively, with the Rockets averaging 119.1 points and the Clippers 119.0 over their past 10 contests.
- The rebounding battle could be key—Houston holds a slight edge (49.5 to 44.8 per game, over the past 10 contests).
- Both defenses are holding opponents under 108 points per game during that span.
Injury watch:
Houston may be without Jabari Smith Jr. (groin), Fred VanVleet (ankle), and Sengun (back), while the Clippers could be without Kawhi Leonard, Amir Coffey, and Patty Mills.
Bottom line:
This could be a playoff preview, and with both teams in form, the game may come down to execution late. If the Rockets can control the boards and match LA’s shot-making, they’ll have a shot to leave Inglewood with a big win.
*ChatGPT assisted.
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