4th and a Mile with Paul Muth

That time I got punched in the face, and the top five Houston sports fights

That time I got punched in the face, and the top five Houston sports fights
WWE's Royal Rumble arrives this Sunday at Minute Maid Park. Photo by Paul Muth

I'm not a big sign guy.

You know sign guys. The people who write puns on posters. The ones who carry the letter "D" in one had and a cutout of a literal fence in the other. The "Houston, YOU have a problem" sign guys.

I tried it once when I was 14, was punched in the face, and sort of lost my appetite after that.

Let me explain.

It was April 1, 2001. Wrestlemania 17. I won't ask my parents how much it cost them, but my aunt and uncle scored floor seats to the greatest spectacle in sports entertainment in no better confines than the Astrodome herself and I got to tag along.

It was a hell of a show. Some say it was one of the best Wrestlemanias ever. The card was stacked, including a Triple-H match against the hometown hero The Undertaker that set the stage for the main event.

At precisely two hours and forty-eight minutes into the event, Undertaker sent Triple-H flying over the barricade and "INTO THE STANDS!"

"Holy crap," 14-year-old Paul thought. "They're headed right down my aisle."

Now I'm not sure how it works these days, but back then it was totally customary to bail on your seat and follow the fight as they weaved up and down the aisles. I wasn't about to miss the chance so I grabbed my poorly scribbled wrestling poster, glanced back and my Aunt for the OK, then darted after the action.

The fight snaked its way up to some scaffolding with a camera perched atop. There, the fight would stall as they battled their way to the top. Oblivious to anything but the action in front of me, I threw my sign up as high as I could, probably screamed at the top of my lungs, and my voice probably cracked in the process. I was 14.

Suddenly someone pushed me in the back of my shoulder. I turned around and there was an old lady, maybe five feet tall, standing on her chair. She had the quintessential cowgirl big hair and enough costume jewelry on to short-circuit a metal detector.

"GET THE @#$% OUT THE WAY, BOY," she commanded in the most east Texas accent you've ever heard in your life. I ignored her and turned back around.

Then she pushed me again.

I turned around again and before I had any clue what was happening, this knockoff mini Dolly Parton had already connected a stiff left hook to my temple. She then grabbed my sign and ripped it in half. Stunned, I retreated to my seat while tending to a now bleeding eyebrow thanks to what I assume was a Wal-Mart engagement ring.

Haven't really been a big sign guy since.

But this weekend the WWE takes over Minute Maid Park for their annual Pay-Per-View event known as the Royal Rumble. It will be the first time since that fateful night in the Astrodome 19 years ago that I've returned to a high profile wrestling event.

Now am I looking forward to this weekend as an opportunity to retake the dignity that was ripped away so long ago? Probably not. I'll most likely just drink a bunch of beer and yell at wrestlers with my friends. But I'm not ruling anything out.

Now instead of a power rankings this week, I figured that in the spirit of the Royal Rumble we could rehash some of the best sports fights Houston's served up:

#5 Charles Barkley throws man through window

Now I know this one didn't happen on a court, but the story is just too good. In a classic case of "play stupid games, win stupid prizes," a 5'2" Floridian by the name of Jorge Lugo decided to harrass the 6'6" then-power forward for the Houston Rockets at an Orlando bar . Barkley ignored and avoided the issue until a Lugo-thrown glass intended for Barkley missed and struck a nearby woman. Bad move. When judge presiding over the ensuing case asked Barkley if he had any regrets, The Round Mound of Rebound replied "Yeah, I regret we weren't on a higher floor."

#4 Chris Paul serves a two-piece to Rajon Rondo

This one is actually fairly recent and adds to what I discovered was a hefty list of Rockets throw downs. After breaking up a stare down between Lakers forward Brandon Ingram and James Harden, Paul and Rondo began a heated chest-to-chest exchange. From all replay indications it appeared as if Rondo then spit on Paul, which triggered a disrespectful finger push to Rondo's face, which then descended into a good old fashioned knuckle sandwich exchange. Paul was suspended for two games.

#3 Derrick Lewis verifies amateur of amateur status

Some dude actually had the nerve to walk in to UFC Heavyweight fighter and Houston native Derrick Lewis' gym and pick a fight. The amateur claimed that he would knock Lewis out because he was an MMA fighter, and not a real boxer. "The Black Beast" was more than happy to oblige, and swiftly teleported the no name into the shadow realm.

#2 Vernon Maxwell fights Portland man

Sometimes people forget that sporting events are intended to be family friendly. Some also forget that players are people with actual feelings. Maxwell claims that aside from general harassment, a Portland fan decided to bring Maxwell's wife's recent miscarriage to light as well. Maxwell stood up from the bench, calmly walked up the stairs, and knocked the crap out of the dude. Maxwell was suspended 10 games.

#1 Andre Johnson baptizes Courtland Finnegan

It had been seasons in the making. Finnegan had built a reputation out of adding cheap shots here and there, ripping helmets off at the end of plays, and various other dirty tactics. In late November of 2010 Johnson had reached the end of his rope. Schadenfreude was the flavor of the day for all Texans fans as Johnson manhandled Finnegan, reigning down fists of righteous justice.

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Missed opportunities haunt Astros in series opener

CJ Stroud was back in action on Tuesday! Photo by Alex Bierens de Haan/Getty Images.

CJ Stroud put a lot of Texans fans at ease when he showed up to mandatory minicamp on Tuesday and participated in throwing drills. Many were concerned that Stroud might have received surgery in the offseason, and that was keeping him from throwing at voluntary OTAs last week. But Stroud put that narrative to bed, denying any offseason surgery.

Stroud told the media that he's been working on getting his body right this offseason, focusing on, among other things, lowering his body fat, improving his hip flexibility, and gaining speed.

CJ implied that the extra training this offseason might have been a factor in the soreness that kept him from throwing last week, but that should be expected. Pushing your body can sometimes lead to soreness, but it's not anything to be worried about.

He also said he had been throwing prior to minicamp on Tuesday, but this is the first time the media has been around to witness it.

Thoughts on the new system

CJ had positive things to say about the Texans' new OC Nick Caley. He pointed out that he cares more about the "person" than the system. He likes the energy from his new OC, even saying Caley calls him frequently, but doesn't always answer because Caley is “always yelling.”

Stroud also confirmed that the new offense allows him to have more control at the line of scrimmage, something we heard he was wanting last season.

Caley and CJ have watched old videos from 2003 and 2004 of Tom Brady working with Josh McDaniels. They believe this will help Stroud learn how to take “ownership” of the protections.

You can watch the full interview in the video below.

So what else happened at mandatory minicamp?

Newly signed running back Nick Chubb participated in drills. Head coach DeMeco Ryans credited GM Nick Caserio with signing the four-time Pro Bowler.

How did the receivers look?

The big play of the day came from 2nd round receiver Jayden Higgins, who caught this pass from Stroud against Kamari Lassister. This looks like a connection the Texans will count on for years to come.

3rd rounder Jaylin Noel was in attendance but didn't participate.

Nico Collins and Stroud appear to be in midseason form.

Anything new with the offensive line?

Not really. The Texans lineup up from left to right with Cam Robinson, Laken Tomlinson, Jake Andrews, Tytus Howard, and Blake Fisher. Later on, rookie Aireontae Ersery got some work in at left tackle.

The Texans will wrap up minicamp Wednesday, and we'll keep you in the loop with any further developments.

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