4th and a Mile with Paul Muth
That time I got punched in the face, and the top five Houston sports fights
Jan 23, 2020, 6:30 am
WWE's Royal Rumble arrives this Sunday at Minute Maid Park. Photo by Paul Muth
I'm not a big sign guy.
You know sign guys. The people who write puns on posters. The ones who carry the letter "D" in one had and a cutout of a literal fence in the other. The "Houston, YOU have a problem" sign guys.
I tried it once when I was 14, was punched in the face, and sort of lost my appetite after that.
Let me explain.
It was April 1, 2001. Wrestlemania 17. I won't ask my parents how much it cost them, but my aunt and uncle scored floor seats to the greatest spectacle in sports entertainment in no better confines than the Astrodome herself and I got to tag along.
It was a hell of a show. Some say it was one of the best Wrestlemanias ever. The card was stacked, including a Triple-H match against the hometown hero The Undertaker that set the stage for the main event.
At precisely two hours and forty-eight minutes into the event, Undertaker sent Triple-H flying over the barricade and "INTO THE STANDS!"
"Holy crap," 14-year-old Paul thought. "They're headed right down my aisle."
Now I'm not sure how it works these days, but back then it was totally customary to bail on your seat and follow the fight as they weaved up and down the aisles. I wasn't about to miss the chance so I grabbed my poorly scribbled wrestling poster, glanced back and my Aunt for the OK, then darted after the action.
The fight snaked its way up to some scaffolding with a camera perched atop. There, the fight would stall as they battled their way to the top. Oblivious to anything but the action in front of me, I threw my sign up as high as I could, probably screamed at the top of my lungs, and my voice probably cracked in the process. I was 14.
Suddenly someone pushed me in the back of my shoulder. I turned around and there was an old lady, maybe five feet tall, standing on her chair. She had the quintessential cowgirl big hair and enough costume jewelry on to short-circuit a metal detector.
"GET THE @#$% OUT THE WAY, BOY," she commanded in the most east Texas accent you've ever heard in your life. I ignored her and turned back around.
Then she pushed me again.
I turned around again and before I had any clue what was happening, this knockoff mini Dolly Parton had already connected a stiff left hook to my temple. She then grabbed my sign and ripped it in half. Stunned, I retreated to my seat while tending to a now bleeding eyebrow thanks to what I assume was a Wal-Mart engagement ring.
Haven't really been a big sign guy since.
But this weekend the WWE takes over Minute Maid Park for their annual Pay-Per-View event known as the Royal Rumble. It will be the first time since that fateful night in the Astrodome 19 years ago that I've returned to a high profile wrestling event.
Now am I looking forward to this weekend as an opportunity to retake the dignity that was ripped away so long ago? Probably not. I'll most likely just drink a bunch of beer and yell at wrestlers with my friends. But I'm not ruling anything out.
Now instead of a power rankings this week, I figured that in the spirit of the Royal Rumble we could rehash some of the best sports fights Houston's served up:
#5 Charles Barkley throws man through window
Now I know this one didn't happen on a court, but the story is just too good. In a classic case of "play stupid games, win stupid prizes," a 5'2" Floridian by the name of Jorge Lugo decided to harrass the 6'6" then-power forward for the Houston Rockets at an Orlando bar . Barkley ignored and avoided the issue until a Lugo-thrown glass intended for Barkley missed and struck a nearby woman. Bad move. When judge presiding over the ensuing case asked Barkley if he had any regrets, The Round Mound of Rebound replied "Yeah, I regret we weren't on a higher floor."
#4 Chris Paul serves a two-piece to Rajon Rondo
This one is actually fairly recent and adds to what I discovered was a hefty list of Rockets throw downs. After breaking up a stare down between Lakers forward Brandon Ingram and James Harden, Paul and Rondo began a heated chest-to-chest exchange. From all replay indications it appeared as if Rondo then spit on Paul, which triggered a disrespectful finger push to Rondo's face, which then descended into a good old fashioned knuckle sandwich exchange. Paul was suspended for two games.
#3 Derrick Lewis verifies amateur of amateur status
Some dude actually had the nerve to walk in to UFC Heavyweight fighter and Houston native Derrick Lewis' gym and pick a fight. The amateur claimed that he would knock Lewis out because he was an MMA fighter, and not a real boxer. "The Black Beast" was more than happy to oblige, and swiftly teleported the no name into the shadow realm.
#2 Vernon Maxwell fights Portland man
Sometimes people forget that sporting events are intended to be family friendly. Some also forget that players are people with actual feelings. Maxwell claims that aside from general harassment, a Portland fan decided to bring Maxwell's wife's recent miscarriage to light as well. Maxwell stood up from the bench, calmly walked up the stairs, and knocked the crap out of the dude. Maxwell was suspended 10 games.
#1 Andre Johnson baptizes Courtland Finnegan
It had been seasons in the making. Finnegan had built a reputation out of adding cheap shots here and there, ripping helmets off at the end of plays, and various other dirty tactics. In late November of 2010 Johnson had reached the end of his rope. Schadenfreude was the flavor of the day for all Texans fans as Johnson manhandled Finnegan, reigning down fists of righteous justice.
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The Texans used to market their matchups with the Titans as the "TnT" rivalry. There is nothing explosive or even interesting about Sunday’s meeting in the regular season finale. The number of people in Houston who are ex-Oilers fans has steadily diminished over the years. Those who remain will be hard-pressed to work up any bile for this game. Most Texans fans won’t be watching. The Texans are again champions of the garbage AFC South, but a season that opened with five wins in six games has devolved to the point where the Texans may be home underdogs against whichever Wild Card round opponent shows up here next weekend. Are you fired up?!? For their part, the Titans are a Titanic-esque 3-13, with one of those wins coming 32-27 at NRG Stadium. If you’d like to attend in Nashville Sunday (why you would I have no idea), a ticket can be had for eleven bucks, including the fees larded on by the resale sites.
Some would make the argument that the Texans need to play their starters in this game to try to rediscover some mojo after the Baltimore Ravens brutalized them on Christmas Day. C.J. Stroud hasn’t had a good game in over a month, and against the Ravens was plain awful. The all too often pathetic Texans’ pass blocking has done damage to Stroud. One wonders if Nick Caserio has modified his arrogant and/or ignorant position of several weeks ago that those critical of the offensive line were using a “lazy narrative.” The losses of Nico Collins, Stefon Diggs, and Tank Dell for huge chunks of the season have hurt as well. Still, Stroud deserves blame too for the offense’s overall mediocrity. He has been noticeably less accurate this season. After Stroud’s phenomenal rookie season, only acolytes would characterize this sophomore campaign as better than disappointing. Last season Stroud was named a Pro Bowler (granted, as a replacement for Patrick Mahomes who was occupied preparing to win another Super Bowl). This season if six AFC quarterbacks were named Pro Bowlers Stroud still wouldn’t make the cut. Within the conference among quarterbacks with enough playing time to qualify in the rate statistical categories, the only guys behind Stroud in QBR: largely washed-up Aaron Rodgers, Anthony Richardson, Gardner Minshew, and Will Levis.
Would Stroud benefit from a good game against a feeble opponent? He’s taken 52 sacks this season. Why expose him to injury risk in a game where the outcome means nothing. With 53-man gameday rosters in the NFL teams can’t sit all their starters, but the most important Texans should leave their helmets and shoulder pads in Houston this weekend: Stroud, Joe Mixon, Nico Collins, Will Anderson, Danielle Hunter, and Derek Stingley Jr.. I’ll guess most play some. For instance, Mixon needs seven yards rushing for a 1000-yard season. 1000 yards over 17 games is not a big deal (59 yards per game does it), though Mixon missing three games to injury does mean he has been of the quality generally associated with 1000 yard running backs.
Danielle Hunter would like a word
On the subject of Pro Bowlers, the NFL named the squads Thursday. Thankfully there is no more hideous Pro Bowl game, but the recognition is still meaningful. Laremy Tunsil and Stingley got starting nods, with Mixon and Collins named backups. I imagine a few eyes rolled at reading Tunsil’s selection. Tunsil is a very good tackle who has mostly cleaned up his embarrassing early season false start problems. Should he be a Pro Bowler? It’s not absurd, though as one frame of reference Pro Football Focus ranks Tunsil the 18th best offensive tackle in the league heading into this weekend. Mixon’s selection is questionable but that guy runs hard and has pretty much been exactly what the Texans hoped for when they added him. This is the third consecutive season that Mixon has not fumbled. Collins missing five games makes his choice a non-no brainer (Jaguars rookie Brian Thomas had a strong case), but over the 11 games he has played Collins has been sensational. Stingley has been excellent in this his first healthy season, after missing eight games as a rookie and six last year.
The way the roster is constructed, no Texan was blatantly snubbed, though Danielle Hunter can rightfully ask "What about me?" relative to the Raiders' Maxx Crosby. Will Anderson cannot. A snub exists when a player is omitted for a clearly less deserving player. Attendance is part of the grade. Anderson has played a tick under 55 percent of the Texans’ defensive snaps. Hunter has played over 73 percent. That’s a difference of almost 200 plays. Defensive end selectees Crosby, Myles Garrett, and Trey Hendrickson are all outstanding, all have been on the field for more than 200 plays more than Anderson, and none of them benefit from having a Hunter-caliber d-line mate.
For Texans’ conversation, catch Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and me on our Texans On Tap podcasts. Thursdays feature a preview of the upcoming game, and then we go live (then available on demand) after the final gun of the game: Texans on Tap - YouTube
The Astros are always in season for discussion. Our Stone Cold ‘Stros podcasts drop Mondays: Click here to watch!