WWE's Royal Rumble arrives this Sunday at Minute Maid Park. Photo by Paul Muth
I'm not a big sign guy.
You know sign guys. The people who write puns on posters. The ones who carry the letter "D" in one had and a cutout of a literal fence in the other. The "Houston, YOU have a problem" sign guys.
I tried it once when I was 14, was punched in the face, and sort of lost my appetite after that.
Let me explain.
It was April 1, 2001. Wrestlemania 17. I won't ask my parents how much it cost them, but my aunt and uncle scored floor seats to the greatest spectacle in sports entertainment in no better confines than the Astrodome herself and I got to tag along.
It was a hell of a show. Some say it was one of the best Wrestlemanias ever. The card was stacked, including a Triple-H match against the hometown hero The Undertaker that set the stage for the main event.
At precisely two hours and forty-eight minutes into the event, Undertaker sent Triple-H flying over the barricade and "INTO THE STANDS!"
"Holy crap," 14-year-old Paul thought. "They're headed right down my aisle."
Now I'm not sure how it works these days, but back then it was totally customary to bail on your seat and follow the fight as they weaved up and down the aisles. I wasn't about to miss the chance so I grabbed my poorly scribbled wrestling poster, glanced back and my Aunt for the OK, then darted after the action.
The fight snaked its way up to some scaffolding with a camera perched atop. There, the fight would stall as they battled their way to the top. Oblivious to anything but the action in front of me, I threw my sign up as high as I could, probably screamed at the top of my lungs, and my voice probably cracked in the process. I was 14.
Suddenly someone pushed me in the back of my shoulder. I turned around and there was an old lady, maybe five feet tall, standing on her chair. She had the quintessential cowgirl big hair and enough costume jewelry on to short-circuit a metal detector.
"GET THE @#$% OUT THE WAY, BOY," she commanded in the most east Texas accent you've ever heard in your life. I ignored her and turned back around.
Then she pushed me again.
I turned around again and before I had any clue what was happening, this knockoff mini Dolly Parton had already connected a stiff left hook to my temple. She then grabbed my sign and ripped it in half. Stunned, I retreated to my seat while tending to a now bleeding eyebrow thanks to what I assume was a Wal-Mart engagement ring.
Haven't really been a big sign guy since.
But this weekend the WWE takes over Minute Maid Park for their annual Pay-Per-View event known as the Royal Rumble. It will be the first time since that fateful night in the Astrodome 19 years ago that I've returned to a high profile wrestling event.
Now am I looking forward to this weekend as an opportunity to retake the dignity that was ripped away so long ago? Probably not. I'll most likely just drink a bunch of beer and yell at wrestlers with my friends. But I'm not ruling anything out.
Now instead of a power rankings this week, I figured that in the spirit of the Royal Rumble we could rehash some of the best sports fights Houston's served up:
#5 Charles Barkley throws man through window
Now I know this one didn't happen on a court, but the story is just too good. In a classic case of "play stupid games, win stupid prizes," a 5'2" Floridian by the name of Jorge Lugo decided to harrass the 6'6" then-power forward for the Houston Rockets at an Orlando bar . Barkley ignored and avoided the issue until a Lugo-thrown glass intended for Barkley missed and struck a nearby woman. Bad move. When judge presiding over the ensuing case asked Barkley if he had any regrets, The Round Mound of Rebound replied "Yeah, I regret we weren't on a higher floor."
#4 Chris Paul serves a two-piece to Rajon Rondo
This one is actually fairly recent and adds to what I discovered was a hefty list of Rockets throw downs. After breaking up a stare down between Lakers forward Brandon Ingram and James Harden, Paul and Rondo began a heated chest-to-chest exchange. From all replay indications it appeared as if Rondo then spit on Paul, which triggered a disrespectful finger push to Rondo's face, which then descended into a good old fashioned knuckle sandwich exchange. Paul was suspended for two games.
#3 Derrick Lewis verifies amateur of amateur status
Some dude actually had the nerve to walk in to UFC Heavyweight fighter and Houston native Derrick Lewis' gym and pick a fight. The amateur claimed that he would knock Lewis out because he was an MMA fighter, and not a real boxer. "The Black Beast" was more than happy to oblige, and swiftly teleported the no name into the shadow realm.
#2 Vernon Maxwell fights Portland man
Sometimes people forget that sporting events are intended to be family friendly. Some also forget that players are people with actual feelings. Maxwell claims that aside from general harassment, a Portland fan decided to bring Maxwell's wife's recent miscarriage to light as well. Maxwell stood up from the bench, calmly walked up the stairs, and knocked the crap out of the dude. Maxwell was suspended 10 games.
#1 Andre Johnson baptizes Courtland Finnegan
It had been seasons in the making. Finnegan had built a reputation out of adding cheap shots here and there, ripping helmets off at the end of plays, and various other dirty tactics. In late November of 2010 Johnson had reached the end of his rope. Schadenfreude was the flavor of the day for all Texans fans as Johnson manhandled Finnegan, reigning down fists of righteous justice.
HOUSTON (AP) — Standout rookie C.J. Stroud threw for 336 yards with two touchdowns, and the Houston Texans overcame his season-high three interceptions to beat the Arizona Cardinals 21-16 on Sunday.
The Texans (6-4) have doubled their win total from last season and have won three games in a row for the first time since a nine-game streak in 2018.
The Cardinals (2-9) had a chance to win late. Kyler Murray threw a deep pass on fourth-and-8 that was intended for Marquise Brown, but Steven Nelson batted it down with 35 seconds left.
Houston didn’t score after halftime and Stroud was picked off on consecutive drives in the fourth quarter. He had thrown just two interceptions in his first nine games.
Houston rookie Tank Dell had a season-high 149 yards on eight receptions and set a franchise rookie record with his sixth touchdown catch.
Murray threw for 214 yards with a touchdown and an interception in his second game back after recovering from a torn ACL. He also rushed for 51 yards and a score.
The Cardinals failed to convert on fourth down with about 7 1/2 minutes to go to give the Texans the ball on their 45. But Stroud was intercepted again on the ensuing drive when Antonio Hamilton Sr. hopped in front of Dell on the 25.
Murray scored on a 1-yard run with about three minutes left in the third quarter to get the Cardinals within 21-16, but his run for the 2-point conversion was short.
The Cardinals were stopped on fourth-and-3 from the Houston 23 early in the fourth quarter. After a Houston punt, the Cardinals fumbled on the return and the Texans recovered at the Arizona 31.
Stroud was then intercepted in the end zone by Krys Barnes.
Stroud got a pass off under heavy pressure and found Dell in the end zone for a 40-yard touchdown that made it 21-10 just before halftime. Dell leaped into the crowd and was pulled into the stands where he stood among a group of cheering fans for a few seconds before returning to the field.
Soon, chants of “M-V-P! M-V-P!” rained down on Stroud, who has completely transformed this team just 10 games into his career.
The Cardinals took an early lead when Rondale Moore caught a 48-yard touchdown pass on their first drive.
Houston tied it when Stroud connected with Dalton Schultz on a 20-yard TD pass with about six minutes left in the first quarter.
Matt Prater’s 57-yard field goal put Arizona ahead again.
An 11-yard run by Devin Singletary gave Houston a 14-10 lead early in the second quarter. After the score, Stroud mimicked taking photos while the rest of the offense posed in the end zone.
Cardinals LB Kyzir White injured an elbow in the second quarter. ... NT Leki Fotu left with a hand injury in the second quarter. ... Hamilton injured his groin on the interception and was carted to the locker room.
Cardinals: Host the Los Angeles Rams next Sunday.
Texans: Host Jacksonville next Sunday.